My Family an Idol?

Recently I’ve been reading a great book by Tim Keller called Counterfeit Gods.  I highly recommend it.

It’s gotten me thinking about all kinds of idols that we manage to make for ourselves.    Money can become an idol.  Or success.  Or a political ideology.  Or romantic love.  But the book got me thinking especially about one idol Keller doesn’t talk about all that much: our families—or maybe specifically our kids.

Our kids?!!  How can that be?  Well, Keller defines an idol as “anything more important to you than God, anything that absorbs your heart and imagination more than God, anything you seek to give you what only God can give.” (Counterfeit Gods, p. xvii)  Hmm . . .

It’s food for thought, you must admit.  Of course none of us would say out loud that we love our kids more than God.  But what do our lives say?  What do our thoughts say?  Our worries?  Our obsessions?  Our preoccupations?  Our discipline?

A terrifying verse from Scripture comes to mind.  When the Old Testament priest Eli was confronted about his tragic negligence regarding the raising and conduct of his sons, God said to Eli, “ Why do you honor your sons more than me . . . ?” (I Samuel 2:29b)

“Why do you honor your sons more than me?”  It’s a haunting question.  A question that has pierced my parental heart over the years.  I would think of it from time to time when grappling with a particular discipline problem.   I didn’t like seeing my kids in pain of any kind—or sad, or disappointed, or mad as could be at me.  But sometimes honoring God by disciplining them in a loving, Godly way meant that my kids wouldn’t be all that happy, for the moment anyway.

And how about my priorities?  My choices about activities, about sports, about how we spend our time or our money?

Wait a minute, you may be thinking.  Doesn’t God give us our kids?  Doesn’t He want us to love them with everything we are and have?   Well, yes, to a point.  But let’s not get confused.  It’s the Lord our God we are told to love with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength.  And after that, our neighbor.  Starting at home, I would say.  But let’s not confuse our kids with God!

It’s really a question of what—or Who—comes first, isn’t it?   Naturally when you’re raising babies and toddlers, your mom-job with them will absorb huge chunks of your time—much, if not most, of your life, in fact.  But will those kids become your life?  In the big picture (not just a snapshot of one moment or another of your day), will they absorb so much of you that there is nothing left for your husband?  Or for God?  Will they become your ultimate source of worth and value, so that you feel personally responsible (and perhaps guilty) for every choice or decision they make even as adults?

“Idols are good things turned into ultimate things,” Keller reminds us (p. 148).  It’s a question of alignment.  Of what (or Whom) we worship.   When God is truly first in our lives, our other relationships fall into much healthier alignment.  Children raised in a home where God is first and their parents’ marriage second tend to be much healthier children (for those of you who are married—but this in no way discounts the potential effectiveness of Godly single moms).  Children who themselves become objects of their mother’s worship grow up with a distorted view of themselves, of others—and most tragically, of God.

One last thought from Keller:  Borrowing from Alexis de Tocqueville’s long-ago observations on Americans’ “strange melancholy,” I believe—Keller says that idolatry involves taking some “incomplete joy of this world” and building your life on it.

Oh, what joy our children can bring us (sometimes . . . see previous blog post).  But even at best it’s an incomplete joy.  Only God brings ultimate Joy.   Building our lives on Him will make for much stronger family-building in the end!

Do You Love Your Kids But Hate Your Life?

“I Love My Children I Hate My Life.”  That’s the title of a recent cover story in New York Magazine , written by Jennifer Senior.  I learned about it through a Today Show segment in which the author was interviewed.  I haven’t been able to get the question out of my mind since.

I went online and read the article, which is rather long but very interesting.  Senior explores the question, “Does having kids make you happy?”  She reports on all kinds of research on the subject, interspersed with personal experiences with her own 2 ½ year old and those of friends.  Is parenting really “all joy but no fun” as one of her friends described it?

My first, kind of knee-jerk reaction was “Oh no, parenting can actually be a lot of fun.  And I don’t think I hated my life when my kids were little.”  (Of course I miss those days now!  You will, too, one day!)  But then I remembered some of my real-life-as-a-mom days.  Days during my “three kids 5 and under living at the end of a dead-end street with Woody never home” era.  Well . . . maybe I did hate my life from time to time.  At least moments of my life.

Like when my only moments in days (or so it seemed) away from the kids were when I walked, v-e-r-y  s-l-o-w-l-y, down my driveway to get the mail while they were all safely napping or “resting” at the same time.   Or when one was having a tantrum, the other in his “whining chair,” and the baby screaming her head off.  Or when I’d flip on the news occasionally for a minute or two just to make sure the outside world was still there.

The interview and the article also reminded me of a conversation I had with two moms in Pennsylvania a while back.  “How did you handle the daily boredom?’ they asked.  “Sometimes I think that if I have to play Candyland one more time or read Goodnight Moon again for the hundredth time today, I am going to lose my mind!"

Sound familiar?   I bet just about every mom can identify.  Parenting is such a roller-coaster ride, isn’t it?   It jerks you around like almost nothing else in life.  The highs are so high and the lows can be so low.

That’s why we need each other, isn’t it?  And God!  I think it’s a major reason why Mom to Mom exists.  To help us keep our balance, to help us hold on for the wild ride of being a mom.

It does help, doesn’t it, to know other moms have felt the same ambivalence you feel?  Loving their kids beyond all words one minute and ready to trade them in the next!  And it helps to be reminded that there’s a bigger picture out there.  That you won’t be sleep deprived forever—really, trust me.  That your two-year-old tantrum queen could actually one day turn out to be one of your best friends (I know,  that’s a long way off—but I’ve seen it happen!)  That your strong-willed teen may actually grow up to one day do amazing things for God.

I’d love to know how some of you feel when asked the question: “Do you love your kids but hate your life?”  It may depend on how old your kids are.   Or how many you have.  Or how many days it is till school starts in your area.   Or how many weeks it’s been since your Mom to Mom group met!  Truthfully, it may depend on what hour of the day the question is asked—right?

Because I suspect we’ve all felt that way from time to time.  Even while, at the same time insisting we wouldn’t trade being a mom for any other life in the world!

Calling All Titus 2 Women!

Recently I have talked with a number of Mom to Mom leaders who are experiencing their annual summer challenge: How will God supply the new Titus 2 women we need to have by September in order to start (or re-start) Mom to Mom in the Fall?

This becomes an annual dilemma for Mom to Mom groups because, despite the amazingly high rate of return in Titus 2 leaders (most find it very hard to leave Mom to Mom once they have tasted the joys of mentoring moms; a frequent refrain from these women is “I couldn’t live without Mom to Mom myself!”), we are always looking for new leaders.  One reason for this is simply the changing seasons of life and shifts in responsibilities which necessarily pull some Titus 2 leaders away.  But the best reason for our annual need is that Mom to Mom groups tend to grow.  We’re always needing to form new groups.  And no one wants to put moms on a waiting list because we can’t find enough Titus 2 leaders.

This is, for me, the season when I begin to pray more intensely than ever for God to stir the hearts of potential Titus 2 women throughout the churches of our country to hear and recognize—and follow!—God’s call in this area.

So you can imagine my delight in coming across an article posted online by Susan Hunt entitled “Wanted: More Older Women Discipling Younger Women.”   While Hunt is coming from a slightly different perspective (she is focusing specifically on discipleship of believers and is addressing the broader need to disciple all women, while Mom to Mom focuses on moms and reaches out to include seekers), I was encouraged by her ringing call to churches to live up to the Titus 2 mandate.

For it is a mandate—not just a nice suggestion.  I well remember the three young moms who first came to me to ask if I would work with them in forming a ministry to moms.  “Don’t you think God meant what He said when He said in Titus 2:3-5 that older women are to teach and encourage younger women?” they asked.   Indeed!

The Titus 2 mandate is a generational responsibility.  As Hunt puts it: “Older [men and] women have the generational responsibility to share their gifts and graces with younger [men and] women.  They are to tell the stories of their victories as well as their failures and show how their stories are part of God’s grand story of redemption.”

This is a relational responsibility.  It is life-on-life ministry.  It is, in a sense, as we say at Mom to Mom and Hunt says as well, a mothering ministry.   The kind of ministry which Paul depicts in I Thessalonians 2:7-8, a favorite passage in Mom to Mom training which is also cited by Hunt:

“But we were gentle among you, like a mother caring for her little children.  We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us.”   (NIV)

Like mothering, however, this Biblical imperative, this calling, is not only a responsibility.  It is a great privilege, an almost indescribable joy.  In fact, one of the best ways to “recruit” future Titus 2 leaders is to invite them to visit Mom to Mom.  Most often, once they have the opportunity to see the thirst these moms have for Titus 2 women in their lives, and the joy it is to be a part of God’s great plan in this way, they are “hooked”!

As it is now mid-summer and many Mom to Mom groups are not currently meeting, the second best way to introduce potential leaders to Mom to Mom is to give them an opportunity to talk with other Titus 2 leaders and hear for themselves what a joy mentoring moms can be.  They can do this one-on-one or by joining your leadership group for a mid-summer connection or pre-season planning session. Of course we all know that the very best thing about Mom to Mom is watching God at work.  Look for any way(s) we can find to give women a glimpse of the life-change that so often occurs in these moms.  Watching our powerful God at work in the lives of women and families—and getting to be a small part of His big plan.  Does it get any better?!

I know that as I write about the joyful Biblical mandate of Titus 2, I am in a sense “preaching to the choir” on this blog.  Many of you are already Mom to Mom leaders and know the joy of loving on moms.  Some of you are desperately searching for more leaders and saying, “Yea and Amen to what you’re writing—why can’t more women in my church (or even my church leadership) see the urgency of this calling?” I just want to encourage you.  Don’t give up!  What you are doing is worth it!  It is worth it because God tells us to do it.  It is worth it because following God’s plan truly meets the needs of moms.  It is worth it because, as the old song says, “there is joy in serving Jesus”!

You may be encouraged by reading Susan Hunt’s article.  You may even want to share it with your pastor or Women’s Ministry leader.  Or at least feel inspired by the reminder that older women coming alongside younger women was God’s plan all along.

We at Mom to Mom are praying with you and for you as you pray and plan toward September.    God will supply all your needs.  (Philippians 4:19)   In His time . . .

A Look at Life from a 19-month-old’s Perspective

For the past month, Woody and I have had the great joy of having a house full of family.  Since our kids and grandkids all live far from us, this is a gift beyond words.  It’s also been a great refresher course on life with kids—and life through the eyes of a toddler. For a few brief days—wonderful, joyfully chaotic days—we had all five grandkids here, ages four months to four-and-a half years.  But for a whole month (yay!) we’ve had Gabriella (aka Gigi) and her mom, our daughter Erika, with us from Dublin, Ireland, with Richie (Erika’s husband and Gigi’s dad) here for two weeks.

Erika and I would like to share a few “hot tips” I’ve picked up along the way from life with Gigi.  We moms can learn a lot from a 19-month-old!

Thoughts on Father’s Day

Sunday is Father’s Day, and I have been thinking a lot about fathers lately. Like Mother’s Day, this holiday often raises a flood of mixed feelings. One friend of mine is mourning the recent loss of her very precious dad. He was probably, next to her husband, her best friend. Others mourn the father they always wished they’d had—or the one they never really got to know. Still others find themselves wishing that their children had a father in their lives—or a different father, one who really cared about his children and let them know it.

Yet many of us have been blessed to have wonderful fathers. And blessed to be married to men who are fabulous dads. The two dads I’ve known best—my own father and then Woody, the father of my children—have both been wonderful fathers. And as I celebrate them in my heart this Father’s Day, I am struck by what very different personalities fathers can have and yet be great fathers.

What is it, actually, that children need most in a dad? Put in the simplest words, I think kids need to know two things: That Dad loves God, and that Dad loves them. Fathers may communicate these things in a host of different ways.

When I think of my own father, whose birthday was this past week and who went to be with Jesus nearly five years ago, three pictures immediately spring to mind: a living room chair, a dining room table, and an open door in a study at the top of the stairs. Some of my earliest memories involve mornings when I would get up early and tip-toe into our tiny living room. There, on his knees at a worn chair in the corner, would be my dad, beginning his morning with his God. It was the way each day started. And we knew how important his God was to him. I never knew just what he talked to God about. But I bet my brother and I figured into the conversation.

A second memory is the lively conversations that occurred around our dining room table in another house when I was in my early teens. My brother and I both tended to have lots of questions about all kinds of things—and strong opinions as well. I particularly remember one time when I had listened to a teacher who seemed to know all about the end times, and could explain everything with pictures and charts as well. As I was enlightening my family on this mysterious subject, my dad, who was a Bible scholar, an ordained minister, a professor, and a highly educated man, listened respectfully for a really long time before he began to ask me questions. Of course I couldn’t answer them, and the dangers of oversimplifying were rapidly revealed. But Dad never rejected our questions. He listened, he asked questions of his own, and he loved us with a no-matter-what love through it all.

In a third house where we lived in my older teen years, I remember Dad’s study at the top of the stairs. The door was always open. You could tell that no matter what he was doing, he was just hoping that my brother and I would pop in on our way up the stairs and flop into the chair opposite from him and tell him about our day. He always seemed so interested in what we were doing, so proud of us, cheering us on through any and every thing that came along. Clearly, my dad loved God deeply. But I wonder how much of that love he would have passed along to us if he had not so clearly loved and cared about us.

My own children are fortunate to have a dad who loves God with all his heart and who loves them, his children and their spouses and his grandchildren, passionately. Yet Woody’s ways of expressing this have been completely different.

Instead of being on his knees at a “prayer chair” in the morning, he has been in the hospital making rounds. But before he leaves, he always makes his own rounds through their rooms (in the past, patting their sleeping bodies; now, patting the stuffed animals representing them in the rooms they sometimes visit), praying for each of them and their families. And he prays for them on the way to work, often Jesus’ “John 17 prayer”—that they will learn to live well “in the world but not of it.”

Woody was not often home at dinner time, either, when the kids were young. Nor was he sitting at a desk in a study when they came home from school. But he was there for them in the deepest sense of the word—and they knew it. They have memories of his showing up at nearly every game they ever played—not usually at the beginning, but as soon as he could possibly get away from his office full of patients. They have memories of Saturday morning trips (several a month, usually, the ones not on call) to the rocks off the coast of Gloucester to make imaginary villages in the tide. To the Concord River to throw pebbles or branches as far as they could into the current. To the sledding hill to attempt “death defying” descents (almost literally, in one case with Lars) no matter how icy the slopes. Daddy was fun! Daddy was a little dangerous at times (What mother would take her kids up on the roof one fine Saturday?!) But above all, Dad loved God. And Dad loved them. And they knew it!

My father and my children’s father: Two very different men. But in completely different ways, they gave their children the same message: I love God, and I want you to. And I love you—always and forever.

Which brings me to the really good news about Father’s Day. Whatever dad you—or your children—do or do not have, you (and they!) have a Father who will love them always and forever. Perhaps the verse Woody often typed and laminated for our kids when they were in college, on mission trips, or moving into a new venture sums it up: “Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in Him, for he shields [them] all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders.” (Deuteronomy 33:12)

Sounds like a Father to me!

Favorite Parenting Books

Someone recently asked: “What are Linda’s top 10 or 20 books on parenting and spiritual growth for moms? “ Great question! Problem: On this one, I have too many answers—way too many!

But let me give it a try anyway.  I will limit myself if you promise to understand that this is by no means an exhaustive list.  In fact, it is somewhat random—a combination of all-time favorite “classics” on parenting and spiritual growth and recent good reads.  They are coming to you in no particular order.

Parenting Books

How to Really Love Your Child

By Ross Campbell, M.D. / David C. Cook

A short, common-sense classic that is possibly my all-time favorite if you can read only one book on parenting.

Grace-Based Parenting

By Tim Kimmel / Thomas Nelson A grace-filled book that helps us see our kids through the eyes of grace with which God see us. It’s all grace, sisters!

Shame-Free Parenting

By Sandra D. Wilson / Intervarsity Press In order to be good parents, we must first be whole, healthy women. Sounds a little like Mom to Mom, yes?

Sacred Parenting: How Raising Children Shapes Our Souls

By Gary L. Thomas / Zondervan I often think of parenting as the “ultimate spiritual discipline.” So I love Thomas’ subtitle: How Raising Children Shapes Our Souls.

The Five Love Languages of Children

By Gary Chapman, Ph.D. & Ross Campbell, M.D. / Moody Publishers Great help in “becoming a student of your child” and how he/she best receives love.

Family Building: The Five Fundamentals of Effective Parenting

By John Rosemond / Andrew McMeel Publishing Good basic principles on common-sense parenting which establishes healthy boundaries on “who’s the parent here.”

Temper Your Child's Tantrums

By James C. Dobson / Tyndale House

Not really just a book about tantrums, this is a short, helpful distillation of a few basic Dobson principles.

Making Children Mind without Losing Yours, repackaged edition

By Dr. Kevin Leman / Baker Don’t you love the title? Typical Leman—funny (sometimes very funny) but very practical on “reality discipline” which helps consequences do the talking.

Boys Should Be Boys: 7 Secrets to Raising Healthy Sons

By Meg Meeker / Ignatius Press Very realistic but encouraging reminders of the really big difference YOU (yes, mothers, too!) can make in your child’s life even amidst our cultural maelstrom.

Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know

By Meg Meeker / Ballantine Books Another great book by Meg Meeker.

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

By Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish / HarperCollins A secular book which was a great practical help to me in communicating with my kids—and my husband, extended family, and friends!

Happy Sleep Habits, Happy Child

By Marc Weissbluth, M.D. / Ballantine Books And happy mother, I might add! I wish I’d had this one with my babies! An indispensable help to all my kids in parenting their newborns—and toddlers and beyond.

Two Favorites for Moms with Older Kids:

Prodigals and Those Who Love Them: Words of Encouragement for Those Who Wait

By Ruth Bell Graham / Baker Books A wonderful triumph of a book which pours encouragement into the hearts of those still waiting . . .

Parenting Is Your Highest Calling: And Eight Other Myths That Trap Us in Worry and Guilt

By Leslie Leyland Fields / WaterBrook Press A realistic and biblically grounded perspective (except for the omission of my favorite Deuteronomy 6 passage on parenting!) on our role—and God’s—in raising our children. Their role, too. Good doses of reality, hope, truth and grace.

A Few Favorites That Have Nurtured My Soul (in addition to the Book)

The Seeking Heart

By Francois de... Fenelon / Seedsowers An all-time favorite. I should re-read it once a year.

The Attentive Life: Discerning God's Presence in All Things

By Leighton Ford / Inter-varsity Press I love this book—I re-read it as soon as I finished it the first time!

The Prodigal God: Recovering the Heart of the Christian Faith

By Timothy Keller / Penguin Putnam Inc. A fresh look at a familiar parable. Read anything by Keller.

Tell It Slant: A Conversation on the Language of Jesus in His Stories and Prayers

By Eugene H. Peterson / Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Co. A fresh look at the language of Jesus in parables and prayers which will revitalize your language. Read anything by Peterson.

The Life You've Always Wanted, Expanded Edition

By John Ortberg / Zondervan I really enjoy Ortberg's writing. This one is a very well-balanced book on spiritual disciplines.

God Is Closer Than You Think

By John Ortberg / Zondervan Practical advice on how to experience the presence of God in the day-to-day routines of life.

Faith & Doubt By John Ortberg / Zondervan Another wonderful book by John Ortberg; in fact, I recommend anything he writes, really.

Devotionals:

Daily Light Devotional (NKJV), Bonded Leather, Burgundy

By Samuel Bagster, edited by Anne Graham Lotz / Countryman

My Utmost for His Highest: An Updated Edition in Today's Language

By Oswald Chambers, James Reimann / Barbour Publishing

Streams in the Desert

By L.B. Cowman, edited by Jim Reimann / Zondervan

Reliving the Passion

(for Lent) By Walter Wangerin Jr. / Zondervan

Preparing for Jesus

(for Advent)

By Walter Wangerin, Jr. / Zondervan/HarperCollins Publishers

The Message Remix Solo: An Uncommon Devotional

By Eugene H. Peterson / NAV Press

OK, I knew it.  This is getting too long.  And I haven’t  even gotten to my “study mentors”—the sections on my bookshelves for Philip Yancey, Walter Wangerin, Frederick Buechner.   I’m really just getting started.

You may be surprised that there are not more specifically “mom” books.  Maybe another time . . . But one thing I found crucial to keeping my sanity as a mom was to continue to nurture and grow my whole self—my soul.  These are just a few of the books that have helped me do that.

In the Middle of the Muddle, What Matters Most?

Another good question a mom from Mom to Mom asked me recently:  “Your kids all seem to be doing well as young adults.  As they look back on their growing up years, what do they say made the biggest difference for them?”

Good question!   And I only have a partial answer to share at this time, as I’ve not had the chance to ask each of our kids how they would answer this.  It would make great conversation, and I intend to ask them when the time seems right.  Stay tuned, and I’ll try to share more in the future.

But for now, I’d like to share a few things from my own mom-perspective as I look back on the years when the kids were still under our roof.  First, however, a crucial disclaimer.  There is no “magic answer” to this question.  Each home is a different story—with different players in the drama.  Different parents.  Different kids.  Different circumstances.   God uses—and works in, through, and in spite of—all kinds of family situations.

And parenting is no slot-machine endeavor.  It’s not as if we can figure out just the right coins to put in and buttons to push—and out come the kind of grown kids we’d been hoping for.   Every one of us—including every one of our kids—has been given what someone has called the “terrible freedom of choice.”  Our kids grow up to make their own choices.  And we are not responsible for every one of those choices.  They are.  It’s important to remember the difference.

Having established the limitations of our parenting (and God’s non-limitations!), I’d like to share with you a few things which were important to Woody and me as parents—and which I think were also important to our kids.

• TIME.  Children often spell love T-I-M-E.  It’s important that we leave spaces in our lives to be available to spend time with them.  This means not being so over-scheduled (you or them) that there are no spaces just to hang out together now and then.  This is actually far more important than theme birthday parties or trips to Disney World or lessons you sign them up for.  It really is.  Trust me on this!

• LISTENING.  Some of us (guess who!) can be better talkers than we are listeners.  Children want to be listened to.  That does not mean they call the shots.  It does mean that they feel “heard” even when the decision you come down with is not what they wanted.  It also means you are attuned to what they don’t say as well as what they do—able to “listen to their feelings” when you need to.

• STORIES.  Children love stories.  Both imaginary and real.  Both  fun flights of fancy and real-life experiences you—or perhaps your parents or grandparents or aunts, uncles, and friends-- have had.  Share your stories!

• BOUNDARIES.  They won’t tell you they love these, you can be sure.  But they absolutely do need to know who’s the parent.  You need to be the “wall they run into,” as one friend put it, when necessary.  They need you more as parent then as pal.  They’ll make plenty of friends.  You’re their only Mom.

• FUN.  Laughter is essential.  Absolutely essential.  For their health—and yours.  Make opportunities to have fun together.  Family vacations played a big part in our family life.  But just as important may be the ability to find fun—and funny things to laugh at—in the mundane routines in life.  If you’re looking for it, there’s something to laugh at in almost any situation.  You just have to be paying attention!

• AUTHENTICITY.  Over-used word these days.  Let’s just put it this way: Kids need you to be real.  Be real about your self and your limitations (often lots to laugh about there, BTW).  Your struggles—and theirs.  The fact that life is hard, progress often comes slowly, problems can seem insurmountable.  But God is bigger.  His clocks keep perfect time.  His love is forever.  And His strength truly is perfected in our weakness.

• GOD!  First, last, and always.  God.  Keep a Godward focus.  No, you are not God—and never will be (phew!)  But HE is God.  And he will never never never never never never (to borrow from Churchill) quit.  Remember this when your two-year –old (or three- or four-year old) looks as if he/she will never be toilet trained.  Remember this when your young adult child seems to be running from God.  And remember this all the years in between—and beyond.

That’s it for now.  This is certainly not an all-inclusive list by any means.  It’s just what came first to me in response to this question.  If I had to sum it all up in a word, it would be grace.  It’s all grace, really.  God’s grace in our lives—and theirs.  Some kids take the long way around.  I know—maybe the long, long way around.  But as we often say at Mom to Mom, “There’s no place your kids can run that’s so far God’s grace can’t find them.”  That, of course, is what makes all the difference.

What about When Kids Make Choices You Don’t Like?

Today it’s time to get back to your great questions.  Here’s a second one a group of moms asked me recently. “How do you respond when kids make choices of which you don’t approve or which you feel are not in their best interests?”   A few examples came with the question: body piercing, smoking, drinking, clothing choices, spiritual choices, dating.

As you can see, there is quite a range of issues (or potential issues) in the examples given.  Which brings me to the first thing I have to say in responding to this question.  It depends a lot on what the specific choice is.  And it depends a lot on the age of the child—pre-adolescent, teen, young adult?   Living at home with you or being supported by you?

It’s also important to say that, as is the case for so many parenting questions, for some of these issues there may not necessarily be one good answer for all parents—and all kids. But there are some very basic questions to ask, I think, before you respond:

1. Is this choice dangerous?  (e.g., drugs, drunk driving, sex, etc)
2. Might this choice have life-long consequences?
3. Is it a moral/ Biblical issue?
4. Is it a health issue?

If one of the above is true (and assuming this child, if a young adult, still lives with you and is subject to your “house rules”), then it is vitally important to draw boundaries, establish consequences, and practice “tough love” if you need to.

If, however, the choice truly is a matter of taste, personal preference, or a WWPT (“What will people think?”) issue, then I think a parent needs to decide what is worth going to the wall for.   If we think clearly and are honest with ourselves, there may be some issues which may be more a matter of personal preference (ours) than of principle.

Two quick examples: Each of our sons had chapters in their lives when their preference in the area of “hair issues” differed from ours.  At one point Lars, now our Marine C-130 Aircraft Commander, sported a blonde pony tail.  Actually, to my surprise, Woody kind of liked it.  He said he liked seeing it bounce around the soccer field as Lars played with all-out passion for his favorite sport.  I have to admit I didn’t share his enthusiasm—for the pony tail, not the sport.

One Sunday morning during this Lars-chapter, a woman who was in Mom to Mom approached me after church.  “Oh, Linda,” she said.  “I was so glad to see you with your son in church today.  His hair makes my son’s hair look tame!”

I honestly don’t remember how long the “pony tail” chapter lasted.  But I don’t think that we ever said anything about it.  And I have always suspected that a certain young woman in his life (now his wife) had something to do with the disappearance of the pony tail.

When Bjorn came home at Christmas of his freshman year of college, he looked like a homeless person—oversized flannel shirt, scruffy hair, and a scraggly beard.  Since we were paying a sizable college bill, I knew he was not, in fact, homeless.  However, we greeted him with open arms at the airport, made no comment about appearances, and enjoyed his spirited report of college life on the drive home.  Later that night I asked Woody, “What do you think of the facial hair?”  “What I think,” he responded,” is that the less we say about it the shorter it will last.”  It all disappeared by the end of the break.  Woody and I never said a word.

Now I realize in using these examples that they may sound minor—even ridiculous—to some of you with much bigger issues with your kids.  I simply include them because I think sometimes we pick the wrong battles with our children, especially when they are teens.  All too often we may “win” a particular little skirmish but risk losing the bigger “battle” (and sometimes it feels like a battle!)  of relationship. There are no easy answers to this question.  But I encourage you to do three things before just “reacting” to a particular behavior: 1) Ask good questions about the seriousness of the issue; 2) Engage your child in dialogue about issues which may be negotiable; and if non-negotiable, give good reasons about why you feel the way you do 3) Be courageous (“Be the parent!”) in following through with the non-negotiables.

Above all, PRAY.  Pray before you ask any questions.  Pray as you ask the questions.  Pray as you talk with your child.  Pray as you follow through.  And always, always, always let your child know he/she is loved no matter what.  Remember from Mom to Mom?  “I love you too much to let you . . .”

Babies, Birds’ Nests—and Mamas Forever?

“Honey, you never stop being a mom.”   That’s what my mom always used to tell me.  She’d say that when I was worrying about something in the life of one of my kids—or when she was worried about me!  I’ve been thinking about her words a lot lately.

I think it all started with the birds’ nest we found in a tree in our front yard.  We didn’t even know it as there until one afternoon when we were examining a very sad-looking spruce tree which had been so damaged by the past two winters that it looks like a comma.  That’s what my neighbor calls it: the comma tree.  We were wondering if there was any way to save it—or if it would have to come down.

Suddenly there it was.  Buried deep in the branches was a beautifully built nest with three perfect eggs. The eggs are that spectacular color we call “robin’s egg blue” but which I never thought could be that brilliant in real life. Ever since our discovery, I’ve been monitoring the nest daily—well, more like several times a day.  Most of the time the mama-bird is sitting on it.  As she sits all puffed out on that nest, she looks just like I felt when I was pregnant—fierce and fat.   And very protective.  Very, very protective.   Her expression says it all: “Don’t you even think about messing with my babies!”  (BTW, if you don’t think robins have facial expressions, you really need to meet this one.) Kind of like us human mamas, don’t you think?  But here’s a big difference.  I’ve been wondering how long till those babies will hatch (I’m afraid I will miss them when I’m out of town), so I asked my brother, who knows a lot about birds, what the timetable might be for these babies.  He tells me that once the eggs hatch, the babies will probably only be in the nest 14-18 days.

14-18 days??!!  Quite different from our mom-job, girls.  More like 18 years for us.  At least that’s what I used to think.  Now I know much better.  Each year when Mother’s Day rolls around, I realize even more the truth of my mom’s words.  You never do stop being a mom.  Oh, the job description changes.   Those of you with children over the age of, say, 6 months, know how the job description for a mom changes constantly as our kids need different things from us.

The good thing is that, as they grow, we grow, too.  (I hope that sounds familiar to those of you who’ve done our Mom to Mom curriculum Growing Together)  It’s a very stretching experience, indeed, to be a mom—and I’m not just talking about pregnancy stretch marks!  I remember thinking, when I was a young mom, that I always felt just a little behind my kids.  It seemed I had just gotten the knack of being, for example, a pre-school mom, when suddenly they were in elementary school.   And just as I got comfortable with my role as mother of elementary school kids, they were charging into adolescence.  To say nothing of all the adjustments and new roles as mother of a college student, then mother-in-law—and now, glorious but amazing, a Nana!  All these things I never thought I’d be old enough to be!

No, you never stop being a mom.  Sure, the job description changes.  But here’s what doesn’t: the mama-heart.  I’m reminded of what my friend Mary told me just before Bjorn, our first child, was born.  “Linda,” she said, “being a mom is the best thing ever.  I love being a mom.  But you need to know that, once that baby is born, your life will never be the same again.”  No, not the same.  Once you are a mom, you will forever think differently, sleep differently, pray differently.  For life—and, I suspect, on into eternity.

What was it someone said—“To be a mom is to walk around the rest of your life with your heart outside your body”?  I’m not sure who said it, but it rings true.

Recently we attended a wedding where the bride and groom, both now in their 50’s but once high school sweethearts, have rediscovered each other—and, it seems, their faith, after many twists and turns in the plot of their lives.  They both looked so happy—so very happy.  But the best part of the wedding was watching the groom’s mother beam with joy.  She has prayed many years for this son.  And here he was standing before God and a wonderful Godly pastor, entering into a very Christian marriage.  The mother of the groom is over 80 years old.

No, we never stop being moms.  That’s why I wanted to take time out this week from our “great questions from moms” topic  (we’ll get back to it soon!) to salute every mom reading this blog—and even those who don’t!  Whether you are an expectant mom, a brand-new mom, an exhausted toilet-training mom, an exasperated teen-mom, or the mom of a much-loved young adult who seems to be taking the long way around to God … I salute you!  You are doing a phenomenally important job.  Whether you are changing diapers or living in your van between soccer matches or wearing out your knee pads praying a prodigal home, you are doing something no one else can do.

You are loving your children as only a mom can.  And you are, I trust, praying for them as only a mom can.   As Winston Churchill famously said, “Never never never never never never give up!”   Even when—and there are so many days like this in our mom-lives—you feel like it.  God hasn’t given up on them—or you.  Just keep changing those knee-pads.

Happy Mothers' Day!

The MTM blog is moving!

The Mom to Mom blog is moving! Please meet us over

here

at the new site and update your bookmarks to:

http://www.momtomom.org/blog

See you soon!