Remember the son I mentioned having sent off to Kindergarten just yesterday---and now his son is off to his first day of Kindergarten? Well, this son, Bjorn, also has a wife, our daughter-in-law Abby. Today she sent me a beautiful and poignant email which I asked her permission to share with you. So here it is, a first guest post from Abby Anderson: "Unusual Silence."
I'm sitting in silence right now, unusual silence. This is the time of day the house is typically quiet, but today is different. Nils, he's napping peacefully upstairs...quiet, as usual. What brings the silence today is the absense of spontaneous songs from another room, the faint sounds of The Jesus Storybook bible being read on cd, crashing Legos in a dramatic battle, our Duplo bin being rummaged through, or the occasional "Mommy, I need to go potty" or "How much time is left in my rest time?" I've been pretty good all morning--only a few tears--but this quiet is hard for me.
I know this is one of many times I will be asked to let go of my kids. And I realize this may be one of the easiest "letting go's" I walk through (Soren is 1/4 mile down the road in a safe kindergarten class he loves, not asking for the keys to the car to go pick up friends for the night or hundreds of miles away at college or boarding a plane to visit a girl he loves, etc). Still, it's a letting go.
I keep coming back to the pain in childbearing blog Bjorn sent this week. I feel like my heart is experiencing "growing pains". As the boys grow, life changes, letting go is required, and I see that I need to inhale and exhale (in order to steady my anxious heart and practice trusting Him, whose they ultimately are anyways) and then push—push through the pain that brings sweet and good growth (in me and in Soren and Nils). Soren is growing up today of many days. He ate lunch today without me and Nils next to him. I think he'll love it, but goodness, it hurts for me. Even as frustrating as a meal time can be, battling the potty talk and reminding of good manners, I'm with him. Today, I wonder...did he eat alone? did he need help with his lunch and have someone to help him? did he talk to others? what did they talk about? I've exchanged 7 days of lunch with him a week to 2. That reality alone has caused me to ask the Lord, "Are you sure you don't want me to homeschool? Today, it sounds appealing." We feel quite confident that that is not the road the Lord has us on, but man, I can see the temptation in it for me—to avoid the pain in childbearing.
In all this change, pain, inhaling and exhaling today, I know that the Lord has His hand on Soren. I know that this is a wonderful and healthy step of growing up for Soren this year and beyond. I know I will treasure this school day time with Nils for the next couple of years. I feel sure that Soren will love school and learning and his teacher. So, I'm now being stretched to remind myself that these boys are not mine to hold on to; they are the Lord's! He is with Soren every moment of his day, even if I am not. He speaks wisdom and truth into his spirit in ways that I can't and now in times when I'm not there. He is Soren's protector, comforter, and peace. I am not. This is a good reminder for me today. In the letting go, I think I will pray more! I have to. They are the LORD'S! (I'm just going to keep telling myself that for the years to come and hope it sinks in!)
I think 3pm has just taken a new level of significance in my day. Soon, we'll walk down and pick him up and hear of his day. I can't wait . . .
I better re-do my makeup before I see his teacher. :-)