Faithfulness, Fruit, and “Calling Back”

“I thought you’d like to see a picture of the kids you helped me raise." The picture on the Christmas card was of a beautiful young couple’s wedding. The words came from a proud mama, a Mom to Mom “alum,” who was overflowing with joy at the ways in which God has grown and led her three young adult children.

But her words took me back many years—nearly two decades—to when I first met this woman. How different things were in her family then! Beth (not her real name) was struggling mightily in her role as mom, grappling with family dysfunction and anger and not wanting to be at Mom to Mom despite a friend’s insistence that she come. In fact, she was so angry and overwhelmed that she told me years later that she saved up all her bad language to use on Mom to Mom days because “if my leader knew who I really was, she wouldn’t keep on loving me like she does.”

But her leader did keep on loving her. Mightily and stubbornly, with the never-failing love of our God. Eventually Beth came to know not only her leader’s love, but the love of her leader’s God. I remember a note Beth wrote me one summer after a couple of years at Mom to Mom. “Just think,” she said,” Before Mom to Mom, I didn’t even know your God. Now He’s my God, too.”

Not only did Beth come to know God—but her whole family did as well. They joined our church, put the kids in a Christian school, eventually got involved in Bible studies and went on mission trips and testified mightily to the grace of God during times of grave illness. One of those now grown-up kids was the groom in the picture, marrying the young woman he met at his Christian college.

The fruit of faithfulness. Especially—and above all—the faithfulness of our God as He works in lives as He draws them to Himself. But he also uses our faithfulness. Faithfulness of dedicated Titus 2 leaders. Faithfulness of the administrators who make a ministry like Mom to Mom happen. Faithfulness of childcare workers who lovingly care for the children of moms who need to be at Mom to Mom.

Recently I had a vivid reminder of the mighty work of Mom to Mom childcare teams. I visited a new (first year) Mom to Mom in Maine where I was amazed and delighted to learn that their whole childcare team is made up of volunteers. Heroes, I’d call them—the men and women who care for kids so that their moms can grow as Christian moms.

The day I was there, the moms were honoring and thanking these wonderful childcare workers by each bringing something for a Christmas basket for each worker. Some moms had baked cookies, others made a small ornament or wrote a note or bought a small treat to add to each basket. The baskets were overflowing. And so was my heart—to see both God’s faithfulness in this wonderful team and the gratitude of these moms. And I thought of the investment being made which will bear fruit for years to come. “If only,” I thought. “If only the women who have worked so hard as leaders and administrators and childcare workers could see into the future to see the fruit of such faithfulness."

Back to that picture on the Christmas card. It also made me think of my Mom, who for years prayed faithfully for this Beth and her family. I believe Mom was at one time Beth’s Titus 2 leader—I’m not sure. But she knew about her and her family and tried to encourage them in every way she could. I wished that Mom could see this picture and read Beth’s note. Maybe she does.

This week—December 19, to be exact—is the third anniversary of my mom’s death. But her prayers live on, as I mentioned in a long-ago blog (“Deathless Prayers”). The reading for December 19 in an old-favorite devotional Mom often read, Streams in the Desert, includes a poem by an unknown author which always reminds me of Mom, of Mom to Mom, and of God’s faithfulness when we are faithful to “call back” about His faithfulness and provision to those coming along the road behind us in mothering. I share it with you as an encouragement to all of you who ”call back” to other moms—whether through leading a small group at Mom to Mom, sending a note (or an email, a text, a tweet) of encouragement, caring for kids so moms can grow in Jesus. Or praying “deathless prayers” over the moms and families Jesus so loves.

Call Back

If you have gone a little way ahead of me, call back— It will cheer my heart and help my feet along the stony track; And if, perhaps, Faith’s light is dim, because the oil is low. Your call will guide my lagging course as wearily I go.

Call back, and tell me He went with you into the storm; Call back, and say He kept you when the forest’s roots were torn; That when the heavens thunder and the earthquake shook the hill, He bore you up and held you where the lofty air was still.

O friend, call back and tell me for I cannot see your face; They say it glows with triumph, and your feet sprint in the race; But there are mists between us and my spirit eyes are dim, And I cannot see the glory, though I long for word of Him.

But if you’ll say He heard you when your prayer was but a cry, And if you’ll say He saw you through the night’s sin-darkened sky— If you have gone a little way ahead, O friend, call back— It will cheer my heart and help my feet along the stony track.

This Advent season, I hope you’ll keep “calling back” about the One whose birth we celebrate. He is faithful. He calls us to be faithful. There’s a picture ahead of you somewhere of the “kids you’re helping raise.”

Words of Thanks

“Give thanks, with a grateful heart…”

The words of an old chorus woke me up the other day.   And then I began to see words about thanks all over my house.  A simple sign in my kitchen says, “Give thanks.”  In the dining room a Thanksgiving decoration borrows Paul’s words from I Thessalonians 5:18 (KJV): “In everything give thanks…”   In everything?  Could Paul really have meant that—everything?

Giving thanks comes easily for me right at this moment.   These days, my heart is overflowing with thanks.  At our house we’re getting ready for a visit from our son Lars, his wife Kelly, and their two wonderful kids Bengt (5) and Hannah (1 ½).  We are very excited.  Last year Lars was eating his turkey at Camp Leatherneck in Afghanistan.  This year he’ll be with us.  So this Nana is feeling especially full of thanks this Thanksgiving!

But as this chorus played itself out in my head, my mind went immediately to some of the people I’m praying for especially right now.   What does giving thanks look like when you’re sad and lonely after a divorce?  When you’re broken-hearted over an adult child’s choices?  When your husband is still bed-ridden and brain-challenged in a rehab hospital four months after a terrible accident?  When your wife is in hospice and every day takes you to a new country you never wanted to visit?   When your mother, who struggles with Alzheimer’s, has broken her hip and is suffering but can’t even understand about the surgery or why she will never walk again?  When you had a miscarriage months ago and are now riding the monthly roller coaster of hope and disappointment and wondering what God is doing in all this?

I pondered these questions, and prayed for these friends.   Then I walked by some other words hanging on the wall of our family room.  They’re the words of Psalm 34 in a paraphrase from Psalms Now! by Leslie F. Brandt.  The Psalm begins: “I feel as if I can never cease praising God…”  It then goes on to talk about how very present God is in every situation in our lives.  Even in —and maybe especially in—the difficult places.

“I turned to him out of my inner conflicts, and He was there to give me strength and courage.  I wept in utter frustration over my troubles, and He was near to help and support me . . .”

The words shout to me out of this Psalm because it has deep meaning for our family.  Psalm 34 was my Nana’s favorite Psalm; it is inscribed on her tombstone.  This paraphrase of Psalm 34 was the one Woody’s parents read together in the hospital nearly every day many years ago when Dad was slowly dying at age 52 over nine long weeks.  They found the words to be true even in those days.

[God] is very near to those who suffer and reaches out to help those who are battered down with despair. . . . He meets their emptiness with His abundance and shores up their weakness with His divine power.

Then some other words came to me.  Years ago, I remember reading somewhere something Ann Graham Lotz said about her mother, Ruth Graham.  The main thing her mother lived out, Ann said, was the truth in her life that God is enough. “I’ve seen God be enough when she had everything else,” Ann said, “and when she had nothing else. “

Some more words from that chorus came back to me:

Give thanks with a grateful heart.

Give thanks to the Holy One.

Give thanks because He’s given Jesus Christ, His Son.

And now, let the weak say ‘I am strong,’ let the poor say ‘I am rich’—

because of what the Lord has done for me.

Give thanks.

Weak, strong.  Poor, rich.  Healthy, sick.  Disappointed—or rejoicing.  God truly is with us in everything.  Maybe that’s what Paul meant when he said, “Give thanks in all circumstances . . .” (I Thessalonians 5:18 NIV)  Notice he didn’t say for all circumstances but in all circumstances.  Big difference!

As my friend of years ago used to say on his answering machine message when he, as a young man, had just had a stroke and his mentally challenged daughter was struggling with heart issues, “God is good—all the time.”  Reason to give thanks—yes?  All the time . . .

Happy Thanksgiving!

Out of the Mouths - and into the Hearts - of Babes

Recently a friend called my attention to an excellent blog posting called “Doctrine in Diapers” by Amy Julia Becker on Christianity Today’s blog for women called her.meneutics.   It’s worth reading!  In it Becker shares stories of saying (and singing) grace with her children, praying with them, answering (or attempting to answer) their questions, taking them to church, and reading Bible stories with them.   Through it all the whole family—not just the kids—are learning a lot about God.  It sounds a great deal like what we talk about at Mom to Mom as the “Deuteronomy 6 lifestyle.”

It brought back a flood of memories for me.  And as I relived these memories, I realized something.  I am now re-living them in a new and different—and wonderful—way.  I am now seeing new versions lived in the lives of my grandchildren.

There was a time when our kids were young when we would sing “God Is Great and God Is Good” (pretty good theology, I’d say—as Becker observed about some of their songs of grace) before eating.  I’ll never forget the time our family, along with a young teen “Mother’s Helper” from our neighborhood, was grabbing a quick supper in the food court at the mall.  Lars, who was about 2 ½-3 at the time, insisted on singing our grace right there in the middle of the mall.  I thought poor Susan was going to go through the floor.

Recently Lars’ son Bengt was sharing his “wish list” for his 5-yr-old birthday.  “I really like hymns, Nana,” he said,  “so I’d like some CD’s of hymns.  My favorites are ‘Holy, Holy, Holy’ and ‘Be Thou My Vision.’”  Interesting choices, I thought, for a 5-year-old.  Also some great theology being sung into his life at an early age.

Becker also talked of her children’s prayers for others, and I was reminded of how many years (yes, years) Bjorn prayed for the “hostages in Iran to come home” every night before bed.  Now I sit around the table with Bjorn and his family and hear Soren, almost 4, praying for a missionary family in almost every prayer: “Please be with the boys in the Middle East.” (Names and country can’t be used.)

Becker also references some very interesting blog posts from a New York Times parenting blog.  Some of the conversation generated from those posts, links, and comments reflects the very real angst of parents who, as atheists or agnostics, struggle with how to answer their kids’ questions.  Questions like: “Daddy, if I speak to God, will he listen?”  Or:  “Where do we go when we die?”

Questions kids ask probably deserve another whole posting (or several!)  I know my kids as preschoolers asked me much harder questions than my middle school and high school students ever did when I was a teacher.   But even as we, as Christian parents, grapple with how to answer tough questions about Bible stories and about God at age-appropriate levels,  I am so thankful that we can pass along to our children the things that matter most about God—especially, and above all, His amazing love and care for them.

One of the NYT posts, called “Creating God in Your Parents’ Image” talks about how kids’ images of God are formed not only from things their parents tell them about God, but perhaps even more by how their parents treat them.  (As Becker observes from the NYT posts, “Interestingly, children with absent parents don’t assume that God is absent.  Rather, they often understand God as their surrogate parent.”)

I’m reminded of something else we talk about frequently at Mom to Mom:  “Children remember feelings more than facts.”  Which brings back another memory, which I believe I shared in a long-ago blog post (“What Songs Are You Singing to Your Children?”)  Once when our whole family was here visiting, Erika slipped down to our lower level with her newborn Gabriella to comfort her seemingly inconsolable crying.  As Erika rocked her and sang to her, she heard footsteps tiptoeing down the steps, and there was Bengt, then about 3.  He stopped in his tracks and listened with wonder as Erika sang the old Swedish hymn “Children of the Heavenly Father” (the hymn I sang to all our children when I put them to bed).

“That’s my Daddy’s song,” he said in amazement.  “My Daddy sings that song to me.”

Who knew?  All the ordinary, daily “stuff” we do with our kids (or maybe grandkids)--rocking and singing and loving and struggling with really tough questions—is teaching them more about God than we can ever imagine.  And, as Amy Julia Becker reminds us, teaching us, too.

I’d love to hear from some of you.  What are your kids learning about God from you?  And how?

Sad/Glad Nana Daze

“Nana home….sad.”  These words from my 23-month-old granddaughter pretty much sum it up. About a week ago Woody and I returned from a wonderful 10 days in Dublin, visiting our daughter Erika and her husband Richie and their daughter Gabriella.

It was an almost magical time.  We read books, ran on the green, had tea parties and danced the Hokey-Pokey in the sunroom, explored Ikea’s play areas, discovered pumpkins, rode the train, bounced in leaf piles, and just generally had a fabulous fun time.

But then we came home.  Not only did we come home, but I came home sick.  Sicker, actually, than I’ve been in a long time.  My usual post-Dublin daze turned into a complete blur.  It wasn’t until the wonder of antibiotics kicked in that I began to make my way out of the fog.  Going directly from “Planet Nana” to Planet Sick” is not much fun at all, let me tell you!

But it made me wonder again and again, “What do Mommies do when they get this sick?”    Do mamas get sick days?  Hmm.  I think we all know the answer to that.

I’m not sure I can actually remember feeling quite so sick when my kids were young.  Maybe God’s granted a blissful forgetting.  But I kept thinking of all of you mommies out there.  I found myself hoping and praying that for any of you who find yourself on “Planet Sick,” there is a Mama nearby (your own or borrowed—maybe your Titus 2 leader if you’re in Mom to Mom) who will step in and lend a hand, make a meal, watch the kids, or do whatever she can to ease your load.

If you are one of those moms whose kids are now on their own, I hope you’ll be alert to the moms around you who could use a hand in times like this.

I learned another little lesson in the midst of last week’s fog.   Memories can be powerful medicine when you’re sick.  Or when you’re just a sad Nana, wishing you were back in Dublin reading bedtime books with Gabriella.  If you ever need a dose of joy—truly abandoned joy—try hanging out with a 23-month-old—or even looking at pictures you brought home with you.

Gratitude helps, too.  When I miss my grandkids (which is often!) I am reminded how very grateful I am to have five beautiful, healthy grandchildren.  Counting these blessings can turn “sad Nana” into “glad Nana.”

All things considered, though, I’d rather be back in Dublin.

Five Mommies, Seven Sisters, and S’Mores

I’ve just returned from Mom to Mom Ministry Board meetings out in the Boston area.  What a great time we had working together, praying together, laughing together—even sharing a few tears from time to time, as we shared our hearts as well as our work.

But the dominant visual memory we will all have from our time together is this: S’Mores!  Yes, S’Mores—those wonderful, gooey, gloriously caloric treats many of us remember from Girl Scouts or Christian camps or family vacations.

Why S’Mores?  Well, because our chaplain, whom we affectionately call Pastor Kay, began our time together with a brief devotional in which she shared verses from Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 in The Message about how much stronger we are as we work together: “A three-stranded rope isn’t easily snapped.”  Much less a 7-stranded one! Kay told us,

“We, board sisters, are much like s’mores.  Some of us tend to be like graham crackers: brittle at times, but ultimately sweet.  Others of us are more like marshmallows: soft with passion and heart-felt emotion.  Still others are more like dark chocolate: quiet, deep, yet so ‘just right’ at the moment needed.

But even though each board member offers individual treasures, when God put us together and added the ‘fire’ of the Holy Spirit, we became so much more than we would have ever been separately—we became s’mores.”

Kay’s devotional made me reflect back over the years since Mom to Mom began.  It’s always been a team effort.  From the three young moms who originally saw the need of such a ministry to the “Five Mommies” who first comprised the Mom to Mom Board to the “Seven Sisters” our board has grown to include, we’ve always shared the work.

And as we’ve shared the work, we’ve become, as Kay reminded us, so much more than any one of us could ever be by ourselves.   Even as we worked together and prayed together—and yes, played together (oh yes, we do know how to have a good time between all those meetings!) S’Mores became a sort of theme for our last three days together.

But the S’mores theme actually extends way beyond our little board.  I think it’s a picture of Mom to Mom groups throughout the country.  On the leadership level, we Titus 2 leaders are so much more as we join hands around our circles and work together and pray together and love and encourage moms together.  And our moms becomes so much more to their families as they share the joys and challenges of their work among their small groups.

Aren’t you glad God gave us each other?   Of course ultimately HE is the One who makes us so much more.  I’m reminded of Ephesians 4:16: “From Him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.”  (NIV)

In case you’re wondering, yes, we did actually have S’Mores to eat—even though, for some of us working down to the wire before leaving for the airport, we had to take them “to go” in the car so it did get a little messy!

So today I’m thanking God for our Mom to Mom Ministry Board, for all of you doing Mom to Mom throughout the country—and for S’mores!

You Gotta Keep Laughin’!

I recently returned from a trip to Michigan in which I met lots of moms - moms from three different Mom to Mom groups.  Some were young moms with their first new baby; others had a houseful of toddlers and preschoolers. Some were celebrating their kids going back to school, others bemoaning kids who’d left for college.  Yet others were mentor moms comparing notes (and pictures, of course!) about grandchildren.   We all had one thing in common.  Actually, we all had a lot in common.  But one thing that struck me particularly was that we all so desperately need to keep laughing!

I was speaking on the topic “Can You Really Love Your Kids and Your Life—at the Same Time?”  As I looked out on these audiences of moms, two things were obvious: First, these moms really love their kids.  They really, really do.  But also, these moms desperately need to be able to laugh with other moms about the daily “mission impossible” challenges of being a mom.  Sometimes it’s a matter of survival.  At the very least, it makes being a mom more fun.

As I talked with moms after each session, we found ourselves laughing a lot.  Not that we didn’t have serious conversations.  Some very heavy things were shared, and I find myself still praying for some of the moms I met.  But I also noticed how crucial it was for these moms to hold on to their sense of humor.

There was the one mom who came half an hour early for our Mom to Mom Dessert Night because it just felt so good to get out of the house and let her husband put the kids to bed.  She wasn’t in any hurry to leave, either, when the party was over.  Even though she spent a good bit of her time showing me pictures of her two adorable little girls.  :)   And there was the mom who told me “Hey, we’re doing pretty well even though my kids are so close together in age.  I haven’t put any up on Craig’s List yet!”   Laughter really is one of the best medicines for a mom.

All this reminded me of an older woman I knew many years ago who influenced me more than she ever knew.    She was the woman I wanted to be when I grew up.  An older woman in our church that most people called Grammy Perkins,  she was one of the funniest—and Godliest—women I ever knew.  And that, I must say, is one fantastic combination!

She led the Tuesday morning women’s prayer group at our church.  And what mighty prayer warriors those women were!  I remember my dad often commenting that it was the prayers of those women that got him through the completion of a manuscript he was writing on the Old Testament—and even got it published with a big-name publisher.

Grammy Perkins was also one spunky lady.  One of the best stories I heard about her was how she got her driver’s license.  As an older woman (I don’t know how old she was.  She seemed very old to me—but then I was in fifth grade at the time!),  she had never learned to drive.  She kept telling her husband she was going to learn. “Oh, Julia,” he’s say.  “You know you’re never going to do that at your age.  In fact if you got your license, I would buy you any car you want.”  That was all Julia needed. Out she went and enrolled in driver training classes—right along with all those teenagers.  And, unbeknownst to her husband, she got her license.  Then one night he came home for dinner to find her brand new license hanging from the chandelier  in the dining room—along with a note on the kind of car she wanted.  And she got it!

But what I remember most about her was a little prayer she said she often had to pray: “Lord, fix me up, Lord, fix me up.”

Oh, how often I need to pray that prayer.  “Lord, fix me up, Lord fix me up.”  As a young mom with small children, as a mother of teens, even now as a grandmother.  It’s a prayer I need regularly.  And I notice, along with wonderful Grammy Perkins, that one of the ways God works in me, one of the way He fixes me up, is through laughter.  Truly, it is good medicine.  Often, it is God’s medicine.

I believe it was Charles Swindoll who said, “Of all the things God created, I am often most grateful He created laughter.”  I think Grammy Perkins would agree.  Especially for moms.

Praying and laughing—perhaps the two most crucial ingredients for a mom.  My prayer for you is that  you’re doing lots of  both!

SuperMom vs. Truly Having It All

Recently, I was asked to speak on the topic “The Myth of the SuperMom.”  My first reaction was: the title says it all—SuperMom is a myth.

SuperMom simply doesn’t exist.  Not in real life, anyway.  SuperMom is a figment of our mom-imaginations.  She is the mom everyone else seems to be—and the mom we can’t seem to measure up to.  The imaginary mom we come up with when we compare our inside (how we feel about ourselves as moms) with everyone else’s outside (the “successful” moms we see all around us).

But this is a very persistent myth.  Years ago, Erma Bombeck wrote about “Sharon,” the SuperMom.  Sharon not only “color-coordinated the children’s clothes and put them in labeled drawers, laundered aluminum foil and used it again, planned family reunions, wrote her congressman, cut everyone’s hair, and knew her health insurance number by heart”; she also “planned a theme party for the dog’s birthday, made her children Halloween costumes out of old grocery bags . . . and put a basketball hoop over the clothes hamper as an incentive for good habits.”

The problem was, as Bombeck discovered long ago, everyone considered Sharon a SuperMom except her kids.  They preferred hanging out at a neighbor’s house.

SuperMom, it turns out, would not really be that great a mom after all—even if she really did exist.  Why?  Because real kids do not need a SuperMom.

They do not need a SuperMom because, first of all, SuperMom is FakeMom—a mom who is trying to impress everyone within viewing distance that she has it all together—and so do her kids.  The real story tends to be very different.  The real inside-the-house story.  Just ask her kids.

Why?  Because SuperMom is trying to do so many things, accomplish so much, fit so many things into her schedule, that she often misses the most important things.  The things—or rather the people, the husband and kids—right in front of her.

In addition, SuperMom tends to do way too much for her kids—to give them too much, to protect them too much, to hover too much.  At the same time she tends to expect too much from her kids just as she does from herself.  After all, a SuperMom must have SuperKids, right?  Talk about pressure!

Furthermore, even if SuperMom were the real thing, she wouldn’t be much good at preparing her kids for real life.  The real life where we can’t do it all, be it all, have it all.  The real life most of us live.

No, your kids do not need SuperMom.  They need RealMom.  They need a real, authentic mom who acknowledges her human-ness, her limitations, even her mess-ups.  She is willing to apologize when needed, to live within healthy boundaries, and to learn along with her children.  RealMom laughs a lot more than SuperMom.

Most importantly, she is willing to acknowledge that she doesn’t “have it all.”  But she knows where to go to get what she needs.  No, she doesn’t have all wisdom, all strength, all patience, all knowledge.  But she knows the One who does have all these things.  The One Who promises to be strength in our weakness, wisdom in our confusion, and patience when ours has long ago run out.

Recently, I came across a verse that jumped out at me in a new way as a great mom-verse.  It’s 2 Corinthians 9:8: “And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.” (italics mine)

It’s a totally different perspective on “having it all,” isn’t it?  God doesn’t expect us to be SuperMom.  He already knows we’re not.  And He loves us anyway.  Not only does He love us; but He provides for us “all we need”—all grace at all times for all things.  That’s a promise I can live on.

And what’s more, so can my kids.  They learned long ago that they didn’t have SuperMom.  It wasn’t just the magnet on the refrigerator: “So I’m not SuperMom. Adjust.”   They knew it in everyday life.  But I like to think it was good preparation for their life as not SuperParents.  Now, I must say how grateful I am that my kids are such good parents.  But I hope they don’t expect themselves to be SuperParents.

Being real parents—real moms and real dads—turns out to be so much more fun.  You know you will make mistakes, but you also know that God—and kids—are very forgiving.  You know you don’t “have it all.”  But you know where to go to get all you need.  Very freeing, actually.  Much more fun.  Better for your kids.  And you laugh a whole lot more, don’t you think?

Parenting: A Marked or Unmarked Path?

I thought of all of you (all of the moms reading this blog) a couple of weekends ago when Woody and I started out on a morning of hiking.  We were at a state park in Door County in northern Wisconsin that we had visited a few years ago, and there was one particular trail which Woody remembered that he wanted to revisit.  It wound down some fairly steep cliffs (for us amateur hikers, that is) to become a lovely walk along the lake, with beautiful vistas over Lake Michigan.

At least that’s how we remembered it.  The problem was that we couldn’t find it!  We returned to the area where we thought the trailhead had begun, and there seemed to be absolutely no sign of this trail.  That was my impression, anyway.  Woody, on the other hand, bold explorer that he is, was quite sure he had located the start of the trail.  No, there was no sign there.  But there did seem to be a worn path leading down toward the lake.  And he was sure this must be the trail he remembered.

Now you need to know that this was in an area where all the trailheads are clearly marked.  We had parked in a visitor lot where there was a map of area trails.  And there were several other trail entrances that were clearly marked.  No sign of ours, however.  And both of us were confused by the map.  (An unusual event in Woody’s case.  He LOVES maps, and seems to have been born with a map in his brain. I, on the other hand, am perpetually confused by maps.  I much prefer written directions!)

As any of you who are married can guess, our day of happy hiking didn’t start out so well.   After considerable debate, we went with Woody’s initial plan.  We started out on the trail he was very sure was the one he remembered.  Despite the absence of any sign marking the beginning of a trailhead, we began to pick our way down a small bit of trail winding its way through overgrown roots along a rocky descent toward the lake.

As we proceeded, I couldn’t help but note (out-loud, you can be sure!) that not only had there been no sign at the beginning; there were also no little signs along the way—the small brown markings all the other trails in the area seemed to have indicating you were on the right path and headed toward your intended destination.

The path became increasingly indistinct—and simultaneously much steeper.  Finally I  couldn’t go any farther.  “Woody, I just can’t go on.  This is making me way too uncomfortable.  The path is becoming steeper and more overgrown, and I really don’t want to either get lost in these woods or go flying down this cliff directly into the lake.  I need some assurance that we’re on the right path.  I need signs.  I need a clearly marked trail.”

I think Woody was actually beginning to feel the same way, though he hadn’t so far mentioned it.  (He is Swedish, in case any of you aren’t aware of that.  This means a lot of things, but especially that he is very determined.  Some might say stubborn; but Woody does have a mostly endearing way of being determined, so I’ll stick with that.)  So yes, my Swedish husband admitted that we should probably turn around and retrace our steps.  We went back to the parking lot, looked at the map again (Woody did, anyway) and eventually drove to another visitor lot where we did indeed find the trail we had been looking for—signs and all.

So what does this have to do with all of you?  What does this have to do with parenting? As I was walking, I kept thinking of how hiking is like parenting.  It’s a long, hard, winding trail that requires our full attention.  Like the path we were on which was overgrown with roots and very rocky in spots, there are stages when all you can do is focus where you put your next foot.  It’s hard to even look up to what’s ahead, and sometimes nearly impossible to even enjoy the scenery around you because just making your way along the path takes all the energy and focus you’ve got.

But thank God it is not an unmarked path.  We have a guide book—God’s Word.  And we have clear signs along the way—both from the Bible and from other fellow travelers.  And we are not alone.  There are those walking alongside us as well as those farther down the trail that can call back and steer us in the right direction, cheer us along the way.

It’s really what Mom to Mom is all about.  We remind each other that we’re not on an unmarked path.  There is signage provided, direction given both from God’s Word and God’s people.  There are those who’ve gone before, both great men and women of Scripture and “Titus 2” moms, cheering us along the way.  They reach out when we need a hand.  They tell stories from further up the trail.  They provide company along the way.  They point us upward to the One who never ever leaves us alone, even for a minute, on this parenthood path.

How I hope and pray that all of you reading this either have Mom to Mom or something like it in your lives.  It helps you know you are on the right path, it helps clarify your intended destination, and it makes for much happier hiking!

My Family an Idol?

Recently I’ve been reading a great book by Tim Keller called Counterfeit Gods.  I highly recommend it.

It’s gotten me thinking about all kinds of idols that we manage to make for ourselves.    Money can become an idol.  Or success.  Or a political ideology.  Or romantic love.  But the book got me thinking especially about one idol Keller doesn’t talk about all that much: our families—or maybe specifically our kids.

Our kids?!!  How can that be?  Well, Keller defines an idol as “anything more important to you than God, anything that absorbs your heart and imagination more than God, anything you seek to give you what only God can give.” (Counterfeit Gods, p. xvii)  Hmm . . .

It’s food for thought, you must admit.  Of course none of us would say out loud that we love our kids more than God.  But what do our lives say?  What do our thoughts say?  Our worries?  Our obsessions?  Our preoccupations?  Our discipline?

A terrifying verse from Scripture comes to mind.  When the Old Testament priest Eli was confronted about his tragic negligence regarding the raising and conduct of his sons, God said to Eli, “ Why do you honor your sons more than me . . . ?” (I Samuel 2:29b)

“Why do you honor your sons more than me?”  It’s a haunting question.  A question that has pierced my parental heart over the years.  I would think of it from time to time when grappling with a particular discipline problem.   I didn’t like seeing my kids in pain of any kind—or sad, or disappointed, or mad as could be at me.  But sometimes honoring God by disciplining them in a loving, Godly way meant that my kids wouldn’t be all that happy, for the moment anyway.

And how about my priorities?  My choices about activities, about sports, about how we spend our time or our money?

Wait a minute, you may be thinking.  Doesn’t God give us our kids?  Doesn’t He want us to love them with everything we are and have?   Well, yes, to a point.  But let’s not get confused.  It’s the Lord our God we are told to love with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength.  And after that, our neighbor.  Starting at home, I would say.  But let’s not confuse our kids with God!

It’s really a question of what—or Who—comes first, isn’t it?   Naturally when you’re raising babies and toddlers, your mom-job with them will absorb huge chunks of your time—much, if not most, of your life, in fact.  But will those kids become your life?  In the big picture (not just a snapshot of one moment or another of your day), will they absorb so much of you that there is nothing left for your husband?  Or for God?  Will they become your ultimate source of worth and value, so that you feel personally responsible (and perhaps guilty) for every choice or decision they make even as adults?

“Idols are good things turned into ultimate things,” Keller reminds us (p. 148).  It’s a question of alignment.  Of what (or Whom) we worship.   When God is truly first in our lives, our other relationships fall into much healthier alignment.  Children raised in a home where God is first and their parents’ marriage second tend to be much healthier children (for those of you who are married—but this in no way discounts the potential effectiveness of Godly single moms).  Children who themselves become objects of their mother’s worship grow up with a distorted view of themselves, of others—and most tragically, of God.

One last thought from Keller:  Borrowing from Alexis de Tocqueville’s long-ago observations on Americans’ “strange melancholy,” I believe—Keller says that idolatry involves taking some “incomplete joy of this world” and building your life on it.

Oh, what joy our children can bring us (sometimes . . . see previous blog post).  But even at best it’s an incomplete joy.  Only God brings ultimate Joy.   Building our lives on Him will make for much stronger family-building in the end!

Do You Love Your Kids But Hate Your Life?

“I Love My Children I Hate My Life.”  That’s the title of a recent cover story in New York Magazine , written by Jennifer Senior.  I learned about it through a Today Show segment in which the author was interviewed.  I haven’t been able to get the question out of my mind since.

I went online and read the article, which is rather long but very interesting.  Senior explores the question, “Does having kids make you happy?”  She reports on all kinds of research on the subject, interspersed with personal experiences with her own 2 ½ year old and those of friends.  Is parenting really “all joy but no fun” as one of her friends described it?

My first, kind of knee-jerk reaction was “Oh no, parenting can actually be a lot of fun.  And I don’t think I hated my life when my kids were little.”  (Of course I miss those days now!  You will, too, one day!)  But then I remembered some of my real-life-as-a-mom days.  Days during my “three kids 5 and under living at the end of a dead-end street with Woody never home” era.  Well . . . maybe I did hate my life from time to time.  At least moments of my life.

Like when my only moments in days (or so it seemed) away from the kids were when I walked, v-e-r-y  s-l-o-w-l-y, down my driveway to get the mail while they were all safely napping or “resting” at the same time.   Or when one was having a tantrum, the other in his “whining chair,” and the baby screaming her head off.  Or when I’d flip on the news occasionally for a minute or two just to make sure the outside world was still there.

The interview and the article also reminded me of a conversation I had with two moms in Pennsylvania a while back.  “How did you handle the daily boredom?’ they asked.  “Sometimes I think that if I have to play Candyland one more time or read Goodnight Moon again for the hundredth time today, I am going to lose my mind!"

Sound familiar?   I bet just about every mom can identify.  Parenting is such a roller-coaster ride, isn’t it?   It jerks you around like almost nothing else in life.  The highs are so high and the lows can be so low.

That’s why we need each other, isn’t it?  And God!  I think it’s a major reason why Mom to Mom exists.  To help us keep our balance, to help us hold on for the wild ride of being a mom.

It does help, doesn’t it, to know other moms have felt the same ambivalence you feel?  Loving their kids beyond all words one minute and ready to trade them in the next!  And it helps to be reminded that there’s a bigger picture out there.  That you won’t be sleep deprived forever—really, trust me.  That your two-year-old tantrum queen could actually one day turn out to be one of your best friends (I know,  that’s a long way off—but I’ve seen it happen!)  That your strong-willed teen may actually grow up to one day do amazing things for God.

I’d love to know how some of you feel when asked the question: “Do you love your kids but hate your life?”  It may depend on how old your kids are.   Or how many you have.  Or how many days it is till school starts in your area.   Or how many weeks it’s been since your Mom to Mom group met!  Truthfully, it may depend on what hour of the day the question is asked—right?

Because I suspect we’ve all felt that way from time to time.  Even while, at the same time insisting we wouldn’t trade being a mom for any other life in the world!