A New Favorite

cindy-livethesewordscover

As soon as I began reading, I knew it was going to be a new favorite.  My friend Lucinda Secrest McDowell (known to me as Cindy) had asked me to read her new book in manuscript form and possibly endorse it.  Knowing Cindy and her writing, I knew I would like the book.  I just didn’t know I would love it — and eagerly read it again as soon as it was published.  And now, a third time . . .

Live These Words: An Active Response to God captivated me, first, because I love words.  And the words in this book are powerful because they are not only Cindy’s words, but words from God and from a wide range of great “fathers and mothers of the faith,” both ancient and contemporary.   Each of the 40 short chapters focuses on one action word (come/trust/wait/hope/pour) and is based on one verse of Scripture.  A great start.  

But each chapter also includes wonderful quotes—wise and penetrating words from folks as diverse as Pooh and Piglet to St. Anselm and Teresa of Avila to Frederick Buechner and Richard Foster and Ann Voskamp.  And each chapter ends with a prayer, again from a wide variety of sources.  The prayers alone are worth the price of the book.

Cindy’s own words are also very real. She shares from her own life with a transparency that welcomes us to walk alongside. And her words are full of grace:

“I spent half a lifetime trying to do enough for God. Enough that He would love me, accept me, and find me worthy to share in His Kingdom work.  But I could never quite get it right. . . . Many years ago, God took me through a ‘grace tutorial’—teaching me how to accept grace as His free gift, one that I can never earn and never lose.”

She shares that gift with her readers. 

This is a book for both contemplatives (or would-be contemplatives—who of us really get there?) and activists.  Frederick Buechner observed: “The magic of words is that they have power to do more than convey meaning; not only do they have the power to make things clear, they make things happen.”  (This is the first quote in the book—and one of my favorites. How can you not love a book that begins with a Buechner quote?)  Live These Words helps make things happen.  Each chapter motivates us to action by including some practical suggestions and exercises for giving feet to our words—and more importantly, His Words.

So this is a book for both Marys and Marthas.  And a good book for moms and leaders of moms with limited time.  Each chapter is short and self-contained.  Great devotional reading—or a perfect book to stash in your bag and pull out while waiting for car pool kids to finish a practice or at a doctor’s office.

Live these Words: a new favorite, a new challenge.  Thank you, Cindy! 

Desperate

The word "desperate" comes to mind often these days. There are a number of reasons.

This winter’s weather, for many of you. It seems there’s a new storm on the way every few days. Every plan made feels subject to cancellation, and I see a lot of moms in supermarkets with that desperate look in their eyes.

Then there are the conversations with my daughter, whose two-year-old is being very two. And it’s wearing his mother down. Yep. Desperate. That would describe many a day with that charming little whirlwind of a boy. And his two sisters.

In the midst of this long winter for weary moms, I’m preparing to speak at a local Mom to Mom. They haven’t met for a month now. Three “snow days” bled into school vacation week, and I suspect there are more than a few moms feeling desperate.

All of this—and much more—is why I’m so glad Sally Clarkson and Sarah Mae Hoover wrote Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe.

Sarah Mae is a young mom with three small children and Sally is an older (or should I say more experienced?) mom with four grown children. Each chapter begins with an exchange of notes in which Sarah is looking for help on a particular issue or with a particular stage of her parenting. Sally is able to provide hope from “on up the road apiece.” I like the dual perspective.

If you are a young mom—or an older mom—or if you know a young mom or an older mom, you really should get this book. Here’s why:

• It’s real. Sarah’s descriptions of mom-feelings, beginning with the introductory “I can’t be a mother today, Lord. I’m just too tired,” are honest, authentic, and written from the heat of the battle. They help moms sigh with relief: “Phew! I’m not the only mom who feels this way.”
• It recognizes the depths to which being a mom can sometimes send us. Sarah has struggled with depression, and she writes about it with raw authenticity. And Sally responds with heartfelt encouragement both practical and Scriptural.
• It reminds us how much we moms need each other. We were not meant to do this mom-job alone. God knew what He was doing when He provided the Titus 2:3-5 model of older women teaching and encouraging the young women. It is the heart of our small groups at Mom to Mom, and I love the one-on-one example of this which Sally and Sarah provide.
• It points us Godward. Rather than providing parenting formulas or models of mothering perfection, Sally gently and wisely steers Sarah away from perfectionistic mom-models back to our Perfect and All-Powerful God. She encourages Sarah to trust her own God-given instincts about herself and her family, relying on His Word and His power and help and strength rather than searching for the perfect parenting formula.

One caveat: I am so grateful for the transparency with which the very real problem of depression is addressed. And Sally’s responses to Sarah are full of empathy as well as practical and Scriptural encouragement. But I wish they had been clearer about the need for professional help in some cases. Moms need to draw on a wide range of resources for this very prevalent problem, and I wouldn’t want moms who need this kind of help to miss it.

Bottom line: This book lives up to its subtitle: “Hope for the Mom who Needs to Breathe.” Read it. And breathe.

A Great New Book

breadwine

When I first heard that Shauna Niequist had a new book coming out, I couldn’t wait to get my hands on it.   I loved her first book, Cold Tangerines.  And her second book, Bittersweet, is even better.  I recommend it all the time.

Then someone told me this new book was about cooking, with lots of recipes.   Disappointment.  I hate to admit this in our “foody” world—but I don’t actually like to cook.  And the idea of reading what I pictured as a cookbook with commentary did not make my heart sing.

But then I remembered: This book is by Shauna Niequist.  I love her writing.  I love her thinking.  I love the way she embraces life so passionately, so completely, daring to write honestly about the bitter as much as the sweet.   Surely this book is about far more than food alone.

Indeed.  Far more.  The full title says it well: Bread and Wine: A Love Letter to Life around the Table.  The book draws you in to not only her kitchen and her table, but her life itself.  It is a book about love and fear, joy and pain, pregnancy and infertility, new birth and miscarriage, crazy schedules and quiet moments—life itself.

In a disarming way, Niequist always goes deep.  I love the authenticity with which she writes about women’s struggles with shame over their bodies and their homes—and more importantly, her rallying call to overcome these lies in favor of God’s truth about who we are and how we can live in freedom and relationship.

I think my favorite chapter is “Enough.”  That may be because I resonate so deeply with her feelings surrounding infertility and miscarriage. The story she tells, about sharing joy in yet another friend’s pregnancy even amidst her own loss, mirrors an experience in my own life—many years ago but never forgotten. In sharing her story, Shauna urges us ever so gently toward contentment with whatever God has for us—or doesn’t.

I love Niequist’s humor.  She is a very, very funny writer.  And she uses her humor well.  It sneaks up on you.  As you laugh your way through her hilarious chapter called “Open the Door,” you almost don’t notice how thoroughly she has convinced you about the importance of relationship over pride, and “presence” over perfection.

This book envelops you.  It has you laughing one minute, wiping a tear the next.  And yes, though it is about much more than food and cooking, it is full of wonderful cooking tips, entertaining ideas, and scrumptious recipes—some of them the kind that even I would try!  OK, I have to admit it: it actually made me want to cook more.  I’ve always loved having people in my home, laughing and crying and telling great stories around my table.  I’m all about “life around the table.”  It’s just the actual cooking process I don’t love.  But Shauna managed to inspire even me.

She also includes lots of great tips for various dietary needs—gluten free, vegetarian, vegan, and more.  This is a book about feeding the body—yes.  But also the soul.  It embraces life in the light of the ultimate Bread and Wine of God’s table.  The best table, it turns out.

Can You Really Bully-proof Your Kids?

When I first discovered Paul Coughlin’s excellent book Raising Bully-proof Kids, my first reaction to the title was: Really? Is that possible in today’s world? I’m not going to answer that. I hope you’ll read this book and come to your own conclusion.

Actually, I was first attracted to Coughlin’s writing when I came across his original title: No More Jellyfish, Chicken or Wimps: Raising Secure, Assertive Kids in a Tough World. This title will give you a clue as to why I am recommending the book. It’s really a book that deals with some of our most basic issues as parents: fear (ours and our kids’, but especially ours); courage; and raising resilient kids.

Coughlin addresses fear as the underlying cause of what he warns against: “timid living.”

“Fear, my fellow parents, is our newest baby-sitter, our most prominent childcare consultant . . .” (p.13).

“Fearful parents are raising fear-filled children, which yields anxiety-saturated households and worry-worn relationships.” (p. 15)

Too true! And these words were written long before the unspeakable Sandy Hook tragedy.

Let’s face it. We live in a fear-filled world. A dangerous world, actually. The question is how we will respond—and how we will teach our children to navigate this real world we live in. Because fear can warp our parenting and paralyze our kids. Fear causes us to become overprotective parents raising underdeveloped kids.

Coughlin’s antidote? Courageous living. Godly living. He has some great chapters on where courage can be found, the traits of the courageous, and how to teach our children the crucial difference between being “nice” and being good. He uses a number of helpful examples from Scripture. I particularly liked his discussion of a proper understanding of the “turn the other cheek” teaching from the Sermon on the Mount juxtaposed with Jesus’ response to the high priest in John 18:19-23. Very helpful insights for parents wanting to help kids respond “Christianly” in potential bullying situations.

The author does include some great specific tips on preventing and dealing with bullying. I also liked his emphasis on the importance of instilling in kids a healthy, Godly sense of worth that prepares them proactively against bullying. It sounds a lot like what we teach at Mom to Mom!

As I read this book, and as I speak with so many moms about the ever-present bullying issue, 2 Timothy 1:7 comes to mind: “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity [many versions read “fear”], but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline.” (NIV)

Not-To-Miss Messages: Three Good Books

I’m currently preparing to speak on “Top Ten Messages You Want Your Kids To Get”  (at the Hearts at Home conference in Rochester, MN).   And I’ve been reminded that it’s been a long time since I shared any book recommendations.  I’ve been reading some good things, especially on the topic of communicating with your kids.  Here are three new favorites:

Five Conversations You Must Have with Your Son, by Vicki Courtney:  As the mother of two sons, I really wish I’d had this book long ago.  I love the clarity and intentionality with which Vicki and her husband approached key messages they wanted to give their sons.   The book is straightforward, realistic, and immensely practical.  But most of all, I love the author’s emphasis on the heart.  Relationships always triumph over rules, even while boundaries must be clearly communicated and enforced.  The focus throughout is capsulized in the last chapter: “Godliness over Goodness.”  With sons, as with God, it’s always the heart that matters.

Five Conversations You Must Have with Your Daughter, by Vicki Courtney: If Vicki’s book about sons goes to the heart, this goes even a few levels deeper.  Wonderfully transparent, it is written from the heart of one who’s been there in the harder places where girls today find themselves, and is willing to help others learn from her experience.  The five chapter titles (the recommended conversations) reveal how “on target” the content is:

1. “You Are More Than the Sum of Your Parts”
2. “Don’t Be in Such a Hurry To Grow Up”
3. “Sex Is Great and Worth the Wait”
4. “It’s OK To Dream about Marriage and Motherhood”
5. “Girls Gone Wild Are a Dime a Dozen—Dare To Be Virtuous.”

Of course, these conversations, as well as those with sons, are not individual one-time talks, but ongoing communication.  Some conversations are much harder than others.  But Vicki will help you find the words, the courage, and the grace to have even the hardest ones.

Six Ways To Keep the “Little” in Your Girl, by Dannah Gresh:  Doesn’t the title grab you?  What a needed word for our culture!  This little book is a great complement to Courtney’s (above) by offering specific strategies for connecting with your daughter in ways that count, and will help you guide your daughter, age-appropriately, from her tweens to her teens.  I love the author’s emphasis on listening well instead of doing all the talking.  She even gives very specific guidelines about how to do that (“Listening So She’ll Talk,” p. 60).  Gresh also provides practical helps for dealing with multi-media in our plugged-in world.  But perhaps my favorite is the illustrated guide to “Truth or Bare Fashion Tests”  (pp. 110-112), which will help you teach you daughter modesty, pro-actively and preemptively.

All three of these books are great one-chapter-at-a-time  “snatch books” which work for busy moms because they can sit on your bedside table or accompany you to waiting rooms or on carpool runs to read just a little here or there when you have time.  And believe me, they are worth your time!

Mom-mirrors of Dangerous Grace

Nothing has revealed my sinfulness and need of a Savior like being a mom.  Parenting my children showed me aspects of myself that I never knew were there--and didn’t like much!  I never knew, for example, that I had a problem with anger until I had kids.  In my teacher-life, I’d had plenty of students that pushed my buttons.  But never the way my 2-year-old or 10-year-old children could.

Maybe that’s why I was so struck by one of my Lenten readings this week from Walter Wangerin’s Reliving the Passion.  Wangerin points out that one of the reasons for reliving the Passion of our Lord during Lent is that it helps us to see our sin.  He talks about how his relationship with his wife becomes a mirror in which he can see, when he sins against her, the suffering his sin has caused.   A mirror that hides nothing and breaks through his denials and excuses.   He calls it a mirror of dangerous grace.

That’s what my family is to me.  My husband—and especially my children—are mirrors of dangerous grace.  When I put self ahead of them—or even them ahead of God, a subtle but tempting idol—I see in their faces and behavior both my sin and its consequences.   I see my desperate need of a Savior.   A Savior Who actually chose to bear the consequences of my sin (while my kids, of course, had no choice).

When I apologize to my children, as I’ve had to do countless times, and receive their forgiveness, I am reminded of my need to confess to God and be forgiven.  And I learn what the freedom of forgiveness feels like.

I’m also reminded of my constant, daily, moment-by-moment need of Jesus.  Recently my daughter, the mother of a 3-year-old and 6-month-old, posted on her Facebook page:  “My needs today--sweat, coffee, Jesus.”  A friend commented: “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.”  Two moms who know what their deepest needs are.   Sort of a “severe mercy” (borrowing from  C. S. Lewis) that we receive by being a mom.

I suspect the words will haunt me throughout Lent: dangerous grace.  Dangerous because I see my sin in all its awful reality and realize that (Was it Luther who said this?) “We carry His nails in our pockets.”  Grace because He came.  He died.  He rose again.  He forgives.  He lavishes His grace upon us.  He grows us all the way into Glory.

It snowed this week in Wisconsin.  Normally not an unusual event here.  But we’ve had little snow so far this year.  So when I woke up yesterday morning with a winter wonderland in my back yard, it took my breath away.  All the dreary, shabby winter had been covered with pure, sparkling snow.

“Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be white as snow.”  (Isaiah 1:18)  Thank you, Jesus, for mirrors of dangerous grace.  Thank you that I can say with the Psalmist: “wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.”  (Psalm 51:7)

Raw Grief, Holy Hilarity, and Stubborn Grace

“This book is the story of how we reclaim the things that are lost.  It’s also the story of how a home can become sacred, and how in the process it can sanctify us as well. I can tell you these things because I have been in dark places—which is the only way any of us learns to love the light. . . . Home is . . . where we learn grace . . . where we find or lose God, or perhaps where He finds us if we will only be still long enough to listen.”  (Tony Woodlief, Somewhere More Holy, p. 32)

So ends Tony Woodlief’s introduction to his amazing book, Somewhere More Holy.  It’s the first book I’ve read this year, and I already know it will be at the top of my list of 2012 favorites.  My daughter gave it to me for Christmas, and I began to love it the minute I skimmed through the first few pages.

For starters, it opens with a quote from Frederick Buechner. You know a book can’t be all bad, beginning with Buechner.  I also like the fact that each chapter begins with excerpts from other favorite authors of mine.  But it was really an author completely new to me—Tony Woodlief—who captured my attention with his first words and never really let me go until the end.  Actually, I was very sorry to come to the end.

The book is a story that weaves together many stories.  Stories from, as the cover tells us, “a bewildered father, stumbling husband, reluctant handy man, and prodigal son.”  It is the story of deep loss.  Probably the deepest loss any parent can experience—the loss of a child, a beautiful, exuberant little 3-year-old robbed of the rest of her earthly life by a brain tumor.  Excruciating loss and pain.

It is also the story of some almost-losses: of a marriage, of father-son relationships, and of the ultimate Father-Son relationship with God.  Woodlief recounts these  losses and almost-losses with raw authenticity.  Reader be cautioned: have tissues at the ready.

But it is also a story of hope and hilarity and, as Woodlief says in my beginning quote, reclaiming the things that are lost.  The author has a rare ability to juxtapose joy and sorrow, the eternal and the everyday, the marvelous and the mundane, in ways that constantly catch the reader by surprise.  Reading the book feels like riding a roller coaster.  You never know where the next twist or turn will take you.  And oh, those heart-stopping drops!

Woodlief is a really good writer.  He’s also very very funny.  Never have I read a book that took me from laughter to tears so unsuspectingly.  There are—believe it or not—tons of LOL ("laughing out loud" for any non-texters) moments when Woodlief  recounts parenting adventures with his four wild and wooly little boys.  More than once my husband looked up at me from his football game while I was reading the book, wondering why I was laughing so hard.

Amidst the laughter and the tears, it’s also a great parenting book.  The author takes us through various rooms in the Woodlief home where there have been lessons aplenty in marriage and parenting that he shares with humor, humility, and hope.  Side note: you’ve got to love some of his chapter titles—e.g. “Where the Wild Things Are” for the chapter on the boys’ rooms.

Ultimately, Somewhere More Holy is the story of grace—God’s stubborn, abounding, relentless, amazing grace.  Just what a mom needs more than anything else.  Just what this mom needed more than anything else.  Thank you, Tony Woodlief, for reminding us.  And please, write more books!

My Best Book of 2011

Yes, I do know that it is now 2012.  But it just occurred to me that I never shared with you the book which most impacted my life in 2011.

It’s a wonderful little devotional book: Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence, by Sarah Young.  Most of you probably already know about it.  It seems every time I recommend it to someone, they already have it.  It has been around a while (published in 2004).  But I had not heard of it until a friend gave me a copy last spring.  Since then, I have been reading it pretty much daily.  And day after day, I have the feeling she’s writing just for me.

Actually, it would be more accurate to say He wrote this just for me, as the book is based on scripture verses for each day that Sarah Young has loosely paraphrased in the first person—as if Jesus is talking directly to you.  I love that the verses from which she’s writing are included at the bottom of each day’s reading.  It’s a great way to find yourself dipping into words from God that you may not have encountered in a while.

The underlying theme is captured in the subtitle: Enjoying Peace in His Presence.  Morning after morning, we are encouraged to be aware of our Savior’s presence with us throughout the day, whatever may happen.  Here’s an example:

“I want you to learn a new habit.  Try saying, ‘I trust you, Jesus’ in response to whatever happens to you. . . . This simple practice will help you see me in every situation, acknowledging my sovereign control over the universe.  When you view things from this perspective . . . fear loses its grip on you. . . .”  (January 4 entry)

The concept of living in His presence all day long, trusting Him for that day and trusting Him for the future, is certainly not a new one.  It’s as old as scripture.  And as I read, I am often reminded of Brother Lawrence’s Practicing the Presence of God and John Ortberg’s God Is Closer Than You Think.  Both wonderful books.  But somehow—maybe because she is a woman?—Sarah Young seems to strike even closer to the bone.

Of course it’s really God Himself—and His words—that do this.  But thank you, Sarah Young, for reminding us!

A closing word for today (January 17) just in case you don’t yet have this book:

“Come to me with a thankful heart, so that you can enjoy My Presence.  This is the day that I have made.  I want you to rejoice today, refusing to worry about tomorrow. . . . Come to me with all your needs, knowing that my glorious riches are a more-than-adequate supply.  Stay in continual communication with me, so that you can live above your circumstances even while you are in the midst of them. . . .” (Psalm 118:24; Philippians 4:19, 6-7 NASB)

Good words for me today—and for you, too!

Hope - and Humor - from the Trenches

A few months back, a publisher kindly sent me a little tiny book which could be a great big gift to moms.  I’ve been meaning to write about it for a while.  But now it occurs to me that it might just be a good book to put on a Christmas list: for you, or for a mom-in-the-trenches friend—or both!

Loving the Little Years: Motherhood in the Trenches, by Rachel Jankovic, first got my attention by being the right size for busy moms.  It’s a slim paperback with barely over 100 pages.  Good start!

As I began to leaf through the pages, I quickly took a liking to the grace, humility, and humor with which it is written.  An example: “At the time of writing this, I have three children in diapers, and I can recognize the sound of hundreds of toothpicks being dumped out in the hall. . . . I didn’t write this book because mothering little ones is easy for me.  I wrote it because it isn’t.  I know that this is a hard job, because I am right in the middle of it. I know you need encouragement very day, because I do, too” (p. 12).

Fact check: the author is, indeed, in the thick of it: she had, at the time of writing, five kids five-years-old and under (yes, including one set of twins).  Now I know this raises an obvious second question in your mind: How on earth did she manage to write a book?  My question, too!  I’m guessing that part of the answer lies in having a mother nearby.  (Her mother, Nancy Wilson, writes the foreword and alludes to her babysitting availability.)  Beyond that, I imagine it happened just as described in the foreword—“squeezing her writing into the nooks and tight crannies of her days.”

At any rate, we can be glad she wrote it.  In a way, the book reminds me of Mom to Mom.  It’s a great big dose of encouragement for moms, combined with some very practical parenting tips and a wonderful emphasis on the basic things that matter most.  A little bit like a morning (or evening) at Mom to Mom. :)

As you read, you may find that there are parenting challenges you personally approach differently.  Isn’t that always the case? But at the core, this author gets it right.  A few examples:

• “There is only one thing in my entire life that must be organized . . . my attitude” (p. 11)
• “It is no abstract thing: The state of your heart is the state of your home” (p. 14)
• “Now try to think of discipline as . . . a sweet means of grace to your children” (p. 19)
• “Christian childrearing is a pastoral pursuit, not an organizational challenge . . . Be a pastor to your children” (p. 50)

These loftier principles are blended together with a variety of helpful tips  (e.g., helping little girls manage their emotions), a refreshingly realistic perspective on real life with a houseful of little kids, and huge and wonderful doses of humor (you’ll love the story of the frantic husband pacing the floor with a phantom baby).

Thank you, Rachel Jankovic, for writing.  And happy reading to any of you who find your way to this book.  I hope it is the encouragement to you the author meant it to be.

Happier Mothers = Better Mothers

Author/Pediatrician Dr. Meg Meeker has written another great book.    Some of you may remember that I previously recommended her two earlier books:  Boys Should Be Boys and Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters.

This time she’s written about mothers.  The title captivated me immediately: The Ten Habits of Happy Mothers: Reclaiming Our Passion, Purpose, and Sanity.  Sounded like a book for Mom to Mom moms to me!

And indeed it is.  Writing from both her own experience as a mom and from 25 years of conversations with moms as a pediatrician, Dr. Meeker recognizes both the deep passion we moms have to be good mothers and the extraordinary pressures we put on ourselves.  She begins by putting her finger right on the problem: The “. . . full-blown obsession we have with getting mothering right . . . is taking many of us down.” (p. xii of the introduction)

Then, gently, but passionately and convincingly, she sets forth her prescription for becoming healthier mothers.  At the risk of being a “spoiler,” I want to share her top ten points, hoping they’ll inspire some of you to read the book and help those of you who can’t imagine having time to read a book just now.

Meg Meeker’s Ten Habits of Happy Mothers:

1. Understanding your value as a mother
2. Maintaining key friendships
3. Valuing and practicing faith
4. Saying no to competition
5. Creating a healthier relationship with money
6. Making time for solitude
7. Giving and getting love in healthy ways
8. Finding ways to live simply
9. Letting go of fear
10. Making the decision to have hope

As I read, I found myself thinking how deeply Meeker’s wisdom correlates with what we try to do at Mom to Mom—especially her first four and last four habits.  I also kept thinking of our oft-quoted Mom to Mom mantra: “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”  Dr. Meeker clarifies at the outset: “This is not a book about being a better mother because are plenty of books on that.   This is a book for you, and only you, to help you become a happier mother.”  (p. xii of the introduction)  True.  But I can’t help but add: Being a happier mother will make you a better mother, too!

A good read, and a good question:  What makes you a happier mother?