Wise Words on School Choices, Parenting, and Just Plain Being Nice

Last Mother’s Day our son Bjorn gave me a book which grabbed my interest immediately: Going Public by David and Kelli Pritchard.  The subtitle is: Your Child Can Thrive in the Public School.   I hear from many moms who are struggling with schooling decisions for their kids.  So I was very curious to see what these authors, the parents of 8 children who have been educated in public schools, had to say.

Here’s what I found: The Pritchards provide a persuasive but Godly, balanced perspective on how public school education can be an excellent choice for many families.  They offer terrific specific suggestions on how to guide your children through public school experience.  They illustrate time and again how their interaction with both their kids and with the kids’ teachers provided teachable moments for all involved.  Everyone grew through the process.   I love the positive attitude and prayerful, intentional strategies they offer for navigating public school life.

But what I loved even more was the basic, foundational principles the Pritchards outline for raising Godly kids.  Much of the book is devoted to explaining the three most important things to teach your kids: to love the Lord your God with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength; to obey you unconditionally; and to learn and practice self-control.  Those are three foundational goals for any Christian home, I’d say, whether your kids are in public school, Christian schools, or home-schooled.

As I read the book, I kept thinking that this is a great book for any parent who wants to raise Godly kids.   Having seen our three kids through many years of both public and Christian schools, I resonated with many of the examples the authors gave about maintaining healthy and positive relationships with your children’s teachers, other parents, and the community in general.

One disclaimer: The family life that the Pritchards describe is based on a greater flexibility of schedule than many a family enjoys—including ours when we were raising our kids.  They work with a wonderful Christian organization called Young Life.  Since  our son and daughter-in-law are on Young Life staff,  I know first hand how incredibly busy Young Life staff can be.  And especially a couple raising eight kids of their own!    But the nature of the work does allow more flexibility for day-time involvement with school, sports, and community events.

The Pritchards are not on a mission to get every family to send their kids to public schools.  Nor are they suggesting every family should look just like theirs.  Their writing is not prescriptive, but descriptive.

What I love most of all about the book is the gracious, loving spirit with which it is written.  In fact, one of their best chapters can be applied to almost any situation in church and community life, no matter what your school choices: “The Magic of Being Nice.”  Even in some bold positions they take which are controversial (e.g. on mothers staying at home with kids), their views are presented with grace.

I Peter 3:15 comes to mind.  This is a book worth reading!

A Summer Treat: Bittersweet

Here’s a book to pack in your beach bag—or just curl up with at home when your kids are napping.  Bittersweet: Thoughts on Change, Grace, and Learning the Hard Way,  by Shauna Niequist.   It’s a great “snatch book,” as each chapter stands alone (almost like a blog post), so you can savor it bit by bit as you have time.

I loved Shauna’s previous book, Cold Tangerines.   But this one is even better.  Maybe it’s simply because she has lived longer.  Shauna writes out of her life.  And Bittersweet is written out of a season in her life that has been just that.  A time of growth and accomplishment and fulfillment as a woman, a wife, a writer, and now a mother.  But also a time of great change, deep loss, and bitter disappointment.

How do we make sense of such a life?  It’s an important question to ask, because we will all live in such a season—if not now, then sooner or later.  When Shauna writes of finding grace and forgiveness and healing and hope—even joy—amidst hardness and heartache and barrenness, her voice rings true.

The book is also—trust me—a fun read.  The cover alone will get you.  Check it out and you’ll see what I mean.  When I gave the book to my daughter, her two year-old went for it immediately, exclaiming, “Mmmmm!  Chocolate!”  (A girl after my own heart, that child!)  You foodies will love how Shauna describes her journey in terms of memorable meals.  She loves to cook as much as she loves to write, and this is a delicious read.

But the book is more than that.  All mothers will identify with Shauna’s reflections on motherhood.  There’s such joy when she writes about her son, Henry.  And such wisdom in her call for community with other moms, rather than comparison and competition.  And her pleas for older, wiser experienced moms in her life. Of course, you know what I was thinking: “That’s just why we have Mom to Mom!”

On a personal level, I was deeply moved by the chapters dealing with miscarriage and infertility and loss: “Heartbeat,” What Might Have Been,” and “On Crying in the Bathroom.”  Having personally experienced the same kind of miscarriage Shauna had, it was “déjà vu” for me.  But it is important reading for all mothers—not only for those who have experienced loss, but also for those who want to walk well alongside another on this journey.

On a very practical level, the chapter “Things I Don’t Do” is worth the price of the book.  Shauna’s cure for the “Do Everything Better” syndrome is must-reading for every one of us recovering-perfectionist moms!

Ultimately, Bittersweet points readers to God.  As Shauna puts it:”My life is a story about God and what He does in a human heart.” (p. 240)   It’s a story worth reading!

A Gift for Mother’s Day—and Every Day

It’s my gift to my daughters this Mother’s Day: My new favorite book, One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp.  And, in case you don’t yet know about it, I’d like it to be my gift to each of you.

A lover of many books, I rarely read a book twice.  There are so many still waiting to be read!  But this one—this one I just finished reading the second time.  And not the last, I suspect.  This one—this one is life-changing.

The title and subtitle name the theme: One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Where You Are.  A friend challenges Ann to list a thousand things she loves.  So begins the list, a list which launches the author—and us—on a wild and wonderful journey.  A journey which throws open the door of hope to receive wondrous winds of grace.

We come to understand the Greek word eucharisteo in a new way.  Eucharisteo.  When Jesus took the bread, in the original language the word is eucharisteo: “He gave thanks.”   The root word is charis: “grace.” As we begin to list the everyday gifts of grace in our lives, it changes everything.  It opens our blind eyes to a new way of seeing.

But this book is far more than a list, far more than one more reminder to “count your blessings.”  It takes us deep.  Deep into the dark, cold world of unthinkable tragedy and unspeakable loss.  It begins at the beginning for the author: ”The day when blood pooled and my sister died and I, all of us, snapped shut to grace . . . the moment when the cosmos shifted, shattering my cupping of hands” (p. 10). No wonder, then, that she begins one chapter: “God and I, we’ve long had trust issues” (p. 141). How can wounded hearts and clenched fists ever learn to open to grace?

And how to live out eucharisteo in a very real mom-life?  A world of laundry overflowing and kids fighting and appointments looming and exhaustion eternal (or so it seems)?  Ann Voskamp writes from a real-life mom perspective.  Very real.  Homeschooling mother of six, Ann and her husband are hog farmers in southwestern Ontario.  The book jacket tells us they are “raising a half dozen kids, crops of corn, and the roof in praise.”

Amidst all this, Ann is a poet.  Her words sing.  From the first pages, they take your breath away.  And leave you gasping for air throughout this wild, wonderful ride.  I made the mistake of picking up the book for the first time early one morning when deadlines loomed.  I was so captivated that I literally had to walk it out to my car and lock it there until my work was done and I could go back to it.

Best of all, Ann is a God-pointer.  Her words are powerful not only because she is so extraordinarily  gifted,  but because they are grounded in the Words of God.  “Without God’s Word as a lens, the world warps” (p. 91).  This book will help remove your spiritual cataracts so you can see both Him and the world around you—yes, the dishes and diapers, the runny noses and nonstop neediness, the meals and messes and real kids and real husband—with new eyes.  Not just Ann Voskamp’s.  His.

A Timely Book for Moms

I just read a book I intend to send along to my daughter.  And I’d like you to know about it, too: Living with Less So Your Family Has More, by Jill and Mark Savage.

It seems perfectly tuned to our times.  Global economic upheaval, recession, job loss, and threat of job loss.  Downsizing has become almost trendy!   Yet this book is far more than trendy.  It’s good for families to read at any time.  All families.

The title got me first.  Less can actually be more when raising a family in our culture.  As I travel and speak to Mom to Mom groups, I am frequently impressed with how hard it can be in our materialistic culture to raise kids with solid, sane, Godly values.  In some ways it’s almost easier to do (in a strange sort of way) when we have externally imposed economic boundaries.  If the sky’s the limit, it’s a lot harder (though still necessary) to set healthy spending limits with our kids.

We also tend to get confused, in our culture, about what matters most.  Before we know it, the quest for the almighty dollar can squeeze the life right out of our homes.  All-important relationships—with our spouses, our kids, our God, and others—all too easily get lost in the shuffle.

In this book, Jill Savage, CEO of Hearts at Home, and her husband, Mark, share some very practical steps you can take to stretch your few dollars farther.  The last section of the book is full of down-to-earth strategies to help real-life families navigate tough financial times.

But the first two thirds of the book are even more important, in my opinion.  In Part One, the Savages help you identify what your long-term vision is for your family.  Then in Part Two, they discuss the attitudes that can help make that vision a reality.  I especially like their emphasis on contentment and simplicity and the counter-cultural mindset needed to foster these attitudes.

The book has the ring of authenticity.  The Savages live what they write.  Good to know!

But what I like best of all about the book is that it’s far more positive than negative in looking at family finances.  This is not a book about how to “grin and bear it” when your family feels the financial pinch.  Rather it is a ringing affirmation that “less” can truly be “more” when you have your values straight and get your attitudes aligned accordingly.

BTW, in her blog, Jill frequently shares new and fresh tips on living large with less.  You might want to check it out!

More Great Questions

Recently I had the fun of engaging with a group of women in a Q&A session.  And they asked some great questions!  I’ll share one of them in this post and at least one other in a future post.

“How can I get my husband to see that Scripture has more than negative rules—do’s and don’ts?  Growing up we tend to hear the ‘rules’ and not the love.”

A really important question.  But it made me a little sad—to think how easily our view of scripture can be distorted (depending on our backgrounds and early exposure).     For the Bible truly is God’s love letter to us.  Or, as Philip Yancey so succinctly put it, “In a nutshell, the Bible from Genesis 3 to Revelation 22 tells the story of a God reckless with desire to get his family back.”  (The Jesus I Never Knew, p. 268)  The “rules” are rooted in relationship.  They grow out of our relationship with God.  And they facilitate better relationship with others.  God’s ways are, as some have put it, user friendly.

So how to help someone see the true message of the Bible?  My first thought was, “Invite him to read it!”  But then another part of this woman’s written question got me.  “How can I get my husband to…?”  The short answer?  You can’t “get your husband to” do anything.

Bulletin:  We wives are not called to be the Holy Spirit in our husbands’ lives—no matter how good we might think we could be at the job!  So maybe our starting point should actually be on our knees.  Step one would probably be: “Pray that the Holy Spirit will open his eyes and heart to God’s message of love to him.”

Then think about how your husband might best be able to see the scripture for what it is.  Maybe there’s an opportunity to attend a class or join a small group that could help him hear God’s message of love to him.  Or, if he’s a reader, books like Tim Keller’s The Prodigal God or Philip Yancey’s What’s So Amazing about Grace? might be useful.

Perhaps best of all, try showing him the love of God in the way you love him.  After all, our children often best come to understand how God loves them by the way we love them.  May be that could help a husband, too.

Mama Prayers—and Two Books You Should Know About

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the power of mama-prayers. These are not new thoughts. For me as a mom, prayer is a way of life. I begin my day—every day—praying for my kids. And their spouses. And their kids. And at Mom to Mom, we constantly encourage moms to pray for their kids. Prayer is, as we often remind one another, “the main event.” But recently I’ve been reminded how very powerful, and how very long-term, praying for our kids must be.

The other weekend I had the privilege, at a retreat where I was speaking, of renewing friendships with a number of women I had not seen in many years. I heard stories of the wonderful work God is doing in the lives of many of their children. We rejoiced together.

But there were other stories of children, many now young adults, who are struggling. Some because of what life seems to have dealt them, others seemingly because of their own poor choices. Kids who seem to be taking the long way around to faith—or back to faith. I came home with many of these stories on my mind.

And I thought of you—any of you reading this blog—and wondered what your stories are just now. I also thought of two books I’d like all moms to know about than can provide great encouragement to us as we wear out those “knee pads” for our kids.

The first is a long-time favorite: Prodigals and Those Who Love Them, by Ruth Bell Graham. It is a beautifully written book full of encouragement for moms who (as the inscription to the latest edition quotes a prodigal’s mom saying) “wake up every morning not from a nightmare, but to one.” It may not be that dramatic for you. But the hope-filled authenticity of this mom, wife of Billy Graham, as she writes about her years of waiting for prodigals to come home, will encourage any mother to take heart, hold on to hope, and keep praying for her kids.

Then I just finished reading When Moms Pray Together, by Fern Nichols and others. Many of you may recognize Fern’s name because she is the founder of a marvelous organization called Moms in Touch International. The book is filled with stories of different moms who prayed for their kids with a Moms in Touch prayer group. The stories are tearful, sometimes triumphant, sometimes still waiting—but all faith-filled because of the hope we have in Jesus. He never gives up on our kids!

You may find this book to be just the encouragement you need right now. But even more than any book, I encourage you to keep praying for your children. It may help you to seek out a Moms in Touch group you can join. You can search for one in your area at www.momsintouch.org. A few months ago, I had the privilege of joining my daughter-in-law in praying with her Moms in Touch group. It was a powerful experience.

But even if you cannot join such a group right now, God is ready to hear your prayers for your children no matter where you pray them. And no matter how long you’ve been praying them! As I read in Streams in the Desert for March 5, “The greatest challenge in receiving things from God is holding on for the last half hour.”

Remember, He loves them more than you do. And he never, never lets go.

Ash Wednesday

“Do you ever look inside yourself and see what you are not?”   A crippled daughter hurls that question at her spiritually crippled mother in a Flannery O’Connor short story (“Good Country People”).  And G.K. Chesterton wrote about the Christian faith as the only religion “that dares to go down with me into the depths of myself.”

These are quotes I came across this morning, on this first day of my Lenten readings.   They strike at the heart of what we’re called to during Lent, don’t they?  At least part of it.  It is a season of reflecting and remembering.  Of self-examination.  A season of looking into what Walter Wangerin called “the mirror of dangerous grace.” (Reliving the Passion, p. 25)   Pretty scary, if you ask me.

That’s why I’m thankful that we’re called to even more than just looking inward during Lent.  I am so thankful that we are also called to look upward.  To look upward to Jesus on the cross.  And even as we gaze at His outstretched arms, even as we remember that “we carry His nails in our pockets” (Was it Luther that said that?), we also remember that He did it for us.  That His grace is far greater than our most hideous sins.   That it was His love for us that held Him there.

But only for a time.   For even as we journey through Lent, we know where the end of the journey will bring us.  To that “whooping joy” (Wangerin again) of the resurrection.  Jesus alive.  Our redemption accomplished.  Heaven ahead.  What a mysterious mix, this Lenten season, of sad/glad feelings.  Of horror (at what I see in me if I look closely enough) and hope.  Of despair (of where we would be without Him) and ecstatic joy (we’re not without Him!).  A season of remembering.

Those of you who know me will know that, of course, I began once again this morning reading my favorite Lenten book: Reliving the Passion, by Walter Wangerin.  And of course I re-read that marvelous preface that is well worth the price of the book.  Somehow it is just as wonderful year after year.  Walter Wangerin, as a small boy, climbs into the story of Jesus—and we join him.

Such a dramatic reminder of the power of story.  Especially this True Story.  This most important story ever told.  For our children.  For us.   Remember it well this Lenten season, as we prepare for Easter.  Tell it to your children in age-appropriate ways.  Remember.  Reflect.  And prepare to rejoice!

My Family an Idol?

Recently I’ve been reading a great book by Tim Keller called Counterfeit Gods.  I highly recommend it.

It’s gotten me thinking about all kinds of idols that we manage to make for ourselves.    Money can become an idol.  Or success.  Or a political ideology.  Or romantic love.  But the book got me thinking especially about one idol Keller doesn’t talk about all that much: our families—or maybe specifically our kids.

Our kids?!!  How can that be?  Well, Keller defines an idol as “anything more important to you than God, anything that absorbs your heart and imagination more than God, anything you seek to give you what only God can give.” (Counterfeit Gods, p. xvii)  Hmm . . .

It’s food for thought, you must admit.  Of course none of us would say out loud that we love our kids more than God.  But what do our lives say?  What do our thoughts say?  Our worries?  Our obsessions?  Our preoccupations?  Our discipline?

A terrifying verse from Scripture comes to mind.  When the Old Testament priest Eli was confronted about his tragic negligence regarding the raising and conduct of his sons, God said to Eli, “ Why do you honor your sons more than me . . . ?” (I Samuel 2:29b)

“Why do you honor your sons more than me?”  It’s a haunting question.  A question that has pierced my parental heart over the years.  I would think of it from time to time when grappling with a particular discipline problem.   I didn’t like seeing my kids in pain of any kind—or sad, or disappointed, or mad as could be at me.  But sometimes honoring God by disciplining them in a loving, Godly way meant that my kids wouldn’t be all that happy, for the moment anyway.

And how about my priorities?  My choices about activities, about sports, about how we spend our time or our money?

Wait a minute, you may be thinking.  Doesn’t God give us our kids?  Doesn’t He want us to love them with everything we are and have?   Well, yes, to a point.  But let’s not get confused.  It’s the Lord our God we are told to love with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength.  And after that, our neighbor.  Starting at home, I would say.  But let’s not confuse our kids with God!

It’s really a question of what—or Who—comes first, isn’t it?   Naturally when you’re raising babies and toddlers, your mom-job with them will absorb huge chunks of your time—much, if not most, of your life, in fact.  But will those kids become your life?  In the big picture (not just a snapshot of one moment or another of your day), will they absorb so much of you that there is nothing left for your husband?  Or for God?  Will they become your ultimate source of worth and value, so that you feel personally responsible (and perhaps guilty) for every choice or decision they make even as adults?

“Idols are good things turned into ultimate things,” Keller reminds us (p. 148).  It’s a question of alignment.  Of what (or Whom) we worship.   When God is truly first in our lives, our other relationships fall into much healthier alignment.  Children raised in a home where God is first and their parents’ marriage second tend to be much healthier children (for those of you who are married—but this in no way discounts the potential effectiveness of Godly single moms).  Children who themselves become objects of their mother’s worship grow up with a distorted view of themselves, of others—and most tragically, of God.

One last thought from Keller:  Borrowing from Alexis de Tocqueville’s long-ago observations on Americans’ “strange melancholy,” I believe—Keller says that idolatry involves taking some “incomplete joy of this world” and building your life on it.

Oh, what joy our children can bring us (sometimes . . . see previous blog post).  But even at best it’s an incomplete joy.  Only God brings ultimate Joy.   Building our lives on Him will make for much stronger family-building in the end!

Favorite Parenting Books

Someone recently asked: “What are Linda’s top 10 or 20 books on parenting and spiritual growth for moms? “ Great question! Problem: On this one, I have too many answers—way too many!

But let me give it a try anyway.  I will limit myself if you promise to understand that this is by no means an exhaustive list.  In fact, it is somewhat random—a combination of all-time favorite “classics” on parenting and spiritual growth and recent good reads.  They are coming to you in no particular order.

Parenting Books

How to Really Love Your Child

By Ross Campbell, M.D. / David C. Cook

A short, common-sense classic that is possibly my all-time favorite if you can read only one book on parenting.

Grace-Based Parenting

By Tim Kimmel / Thomas Nelson A grace-filled book that helps us see our kids through the eyes of grace with which God see us. It’s all grace, sisters!

Shame-Free Parenting

By Sandra D. Wilson / Intervarsity Press In order to be good parents, we must first be whole, healthy women. Sounds a little like Mom to Mom, yes?

Sacred Parenting: How Raising Children Shapes Our Souls

By Gary L. Thomas / Zondervan I often think of parenting as the “ultimate spiritual discipline.” So I love Thomas’ subtitle: How Raising Children Shapes Our Souls.

The Five Love Languages of Children

By Gary Chapman, Ph.D. & Ross Campbell, M.D. / Moody Publishers Great help in “becoming a student of your child” and how he/she best receives love.

Family Building: The Five Fundamentals of Effective Parenting

By John Rosemond / Andrew McMeel Publishing Good basic principles on common-sense parenting which establishes healthy boundaries on “who’s the parent here.”

Temper Your Child's Tantrums

By James C. Dobson / Tyndale House

Not really just a book about tantrums, this is a short, helpful distillation of a few basic Dobson principles.

Making Children Mind without Losing Yours, repackaged edition

By Dr. Kevin Leman / Baker Don’t you love the title? Typical Leman—funny (sometimes very funny) but very practical on “reality discipline” which helps consequences do the talking.

Boys Should Be Boys: 7 Secrets to Raising Healthy Sons

By Meg Meeker / Ignatius Press Very realistic but encouraging reminders of the really big difference YOU (yes, mothers, too!) can make in your child’s life even amidst our cultural maelstrom.

Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know

By Meg Meeker / Ballantine Books Another great book by Meg Meeker.

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

By Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish / HarperCollins A secular book which was a great practical help to me in communicating with my kids—and my husband, extended family, and friends!

Happy Sleep Habits, Happy Child

By Marc Weissbluth, M.D. / Ballantine Books And happy mother, I might add! I wish I’d had this one with my babies! An indispensable help to all my kids in parenting their newborns—and toddlers and beyond.

Two Favorites for Moms with Older Kids:

Prodigals and Those Who Love Them: Words of Encouragement for Those Who Wait

By Ruth Bell Graham / Baker Books A wonderful triumph of a book which pours encouragement into the hearts of those still waiting . . .

Parenting Is Your Highest Calling: And Eight Other Myths That Trap Us in Worry and Guilt

By Leslie Leyland Fields / WaterBrook Press A realistic and biblically grounded perspective (except for the omission of my favorite Deuteronomy 6 passage on parenting!) on our role—and God’s—in raising our children. Their role, too. Good doses of reality, hope, truth and grace.

A Few Favorites That Have Nurtured My Soul (in addition to the Book)

The Seeking Heart

By Francois de... Fenelon / Seedsowers An all-time favorite. I should re-read it once a year.

The Attentive Life: Discerning God's Presence in All Things

By Leighton Ford / Inter-varsity Press I love this book—I re-read it as soon as I finished it the first time!

The Prodigal God: Recovering the Heart of the Christian Faith

By Timothy Keller / Penguin Putnam Inc. A fresh look at a familiar parable. Read anything by Keller.

Tell It Slant: A Conversation on the Language of Jesus in His Stories and Prayers

By Eugene H. Peterson / Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Co. A fresh look at the language of Jesus in parables and prayers which will revitalize your language. Read anything by Peterson.

The Life You've Always Wanted, Expanded Edition

By John Ortberg / Zondervan I really enjoy Ortberg's writing. This one is a very well-balanced book on spiritual disciplines.

God Is Closer Than You Think

By John Ortberg / Zondervan Practical advice on how to experience the presence of God in the day-to-day routines of life.

Faith & Doubt By John Ortberg / Zondervan Another wonderful book by John Ortberg; in fact, I recommend anything he writes, really.

Devotionals:

Daily Light Devotional (NKJV), Bonded Leather, Burgundy

By Samuel Bagster, edited by Anne Graham Lotz / Countryman

My Utmost for His Highest: An Updated Edition in Today's Language

By Oswald Chambers, James Reimann / Barbour Publishing

Streams in the Desert

By L.B. Cowman, edited by Jim Reimann / Zondervan

Reliving the Passion

(for Lent) By Walter Wangerin Jr. / Zondervan

Preparing for Jesus

(for Advent)

By Walter Wangerin, Jr. / Zondervan/HarperCollins Publishers

The Message Remix Solo: An Uncommon Devotional

By Eugene H. Peterson / NAV Press

OK, I knew it.  This is getting too long.  And I haven’t  even gotten to my “study mentors”—the sections on my bookshelves for Philip Yancey, Walter Wangerin, Frederick Buechner.   I’m really just getting started.

You may be surprised that there are not more specifically “mom” books.  Maybe another time . . . But one thing I found crucial to keeping my sanity as a mom was to continue to nurture and grow my whole self—my soul.  These are just a few of the books that have helped me do that.